▶ Your Answer :
When it comes to the
issue the importance of preservation of endangered species, some people believe
that we have an obligation to protect not only endangered species, but also all whole creatures. However, others have the opposite view. As far as I am
concerned, the former point carries more weight. I take this position on
account of the following reasons. (Need better transition)
A further point we
must consider is that humans have an ethical duty to protect on the nature,
because they are reprehensible in animals’ extinction. Some people say that
several extinctions were happened in the history of the Earth, so it is a
common process and we should not be involved in this matter. However, they
ignore that the scenario is different in the recent age. After industrial
revolution, human activities had increased so tremendously that nature is not
able to restore itself. Ozone depletion, air and water pollution, soil erosion,
and even deforestation are a small part of human’s effective <(effective what?) on the nature and
species. From the moral angle, humans have to preserve the nature and species in
order to compensate their past mistakes.
All the above evidence
supports this undeniable that we should protect other species because our
survival depends on them, and also it is a moral responsibility. Of course, as an
English proverbs goes “a coin has two sides”; therefore, those who have the
opposite view believe partially reasonable that this project surely is expensive.
Nevertheless, I think that its profits outweigh dangerous <(dangerous what?).
Score: 5.5 Comment: 질문을 agree/disagree라고 보면 잘 답해주고 있지 않습니다. 질문은 사람에 의해서 extinct되가는 endangered species만 protect 해야하는지 묻고 있습니다. 글쓴이의 주장은 일반적으로 protect endangered and all other species이고 예전에는 크게 그러지는 않았지만 요즘 시대에서는 사람들이 자연에 해를 끼치기 때문에 모든 species와 자연을 protect하는 의무다 라고 서술을 해주셨습니다. 과련된 이야기지만 human activities로 의한 potential extinction 인 species 만 protect해야한다 라고 언급을 해주시거나 이해 대해 서술을 해주시지 않았기 때문에 off-topic 하게 들리거나 또는 질문을 directly/specifically 답을 해주신 것 처럼 들리지 않습니다. 또한 에세이 전체적으로 내용 정리를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 특히 하나의 body 문단 보다는 2개 이상을 써주시는게 더 좋습니다. 문법상 word form/adj-noun/에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 특히 형용사를 써주셨지만 그 형용사가 꾸며주는 명사를 써주시기 않았습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |