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In contemporary society, some assert that punishment is necessary for children to teach children what is wrong and right. However, I strongly believe that physical punishment can negatively affect to children's development of personality and family relationship. This essay will outline some reasons and present potential solutions. <(some assert라고 해주시면 글쓴이의 의견이 아닌 다름 사람들의 의견을 전달해주시게 됩니다. 주제에 대한 글쓴이의 의견도 clarify해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
To begin with, physical punishment is bad for children. First of all, it can ruin family relationships. This is because, children can feel be threatened by their parents. It cannot solve the matter of children <(what matter of children?) and only make children isolated and avoid their parents. Through this threat, children can have a trauma as they feel their parents do not love them any more. <Need better coherence> Physical punishment make children obey to their parents apparently. However, it cannot teach them radically.
It is clear that teachers' and parents' appropriate punishment is really vital for children's education. For example, they can teach their children by giving a chance to think about their behaviors by themselves when children make have a mistake. Through this punishment, children can realize what they did were wrong instead of just being threatened threatening and obeying to parents and teachers. Not only that, talking is crucial. While talking, parents can more understand children's thinking and children can feel how their parents love them. Overall, talking with children and offering time to think why what they were wrong is much more important that physical punishment. It can lead children to have a proper personalities Score: 6 Comment: 두 번째 질문을 잘 답해주셨지만 첫 번째 질문은 답을 해주시지 않았습니다. 두 번째 질문의 경우 폭력적인 punishment는 안되고 생각하는 시간을 주거나 대화를 하는 punishment가 더 좋다 라고 답을 해주셨습니다. 하지만 첫 번째 질문의 경우 아이를 가르키기 위해서는 punishment가 필요한지 에 대해서는 서술을 해주시지 않았습니다. 그렇기 때문에 tasks를 fully satisfy하시지 않았습니다. 문버상 silly mistakes나 collocation에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |