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Some people argue that social service have to be implemented to encourage students to be promoted >> 뭐가 promoted 된단거죠? in high school, but others say that it is not necessary to do as a school activity. I agree with the statement that community service should play many areas>> community service should play many areas 가 무슨 말인지도 모르겠고 community service 의 동사 형태가 수동이 아닌 능동이 올 수도 없습니다. >> 서론에선 의문을 제시하게 한다면 좋지 않은 문장입니다
To begin with, it is a widely accepted that if students work out other activities such as charity, sports, >> 세개 이상 나열 중 마지막 and/or 앞엔 콤마가 붙습니다 and so on , >> 밑줄 부분 다 지워주세요 단언적인 주장이 나와야 합니다 the students they can become stronger than before>> 어떤 면에서요? >> 어떤 면에서 강해질 수 있다 이렇게 하면 바로 주장이 될 수 있겠죠. This is because the children can learn various new things by doing these activities apart from studying their faculty >> 그들의 학부를 공부하나요? subject 이 맞겠습니다. As For example, according to a recently study, some students who do participate in various social clubs have shown positive behaviors than others who focus on only one activity. As this cleary shows clearly, community service enable many students to make life more stronger. Therefore, it is evident that doing various services plays a significant role. >> community service는 하나의 일이 아닌가요? 그 자체로도 하나의 소셜 활동이 됩니다 또한 이거에 참여하는 학생들이 only one activity라는 보장/아니란 보장 모두 없습니다 본인의 추측이나 근거에 의한 것이며 뒷받침하려면 마땅한 근거나 충분한 설명이 필요합니다
In addition, it is a well-known fact that social activity can enable people to release stress because there are many is much evidence that >> 지워주세요 단언적이어야 합니다 주장은 a physical or psychology activity through the free service can become good medicine to reduce stress. According to research done in South Korea, an abundance of students have received stress due to they should study all day.>> 이건 예시가 되겠죠 주장과 예시 사이엔 주장을 설명해주는 설명하는 문장이 있어야 합니다 This causes damage to lose their lives because society doesn't does not >> 풀어써주세요 make it >>?? possible to know their lives. As this cleary shows clearly, they cannot >>cannot 붙여씁니다 live in enjoy pliable lives. As a result, it is apparent that a wealth of students are confused with their lives
Overall, there are many competitions around the world, >> 콤마입니다 so students cannot >> 위와 마찬가지입니다 express their stress. So >> so also but or and 는 문두에 쓰지 않습니다 I think that even though focusing on study for achieving dream is good, the governments and individual need to work together and make many social campaigns. >> 갑자기 왜 해결책을 제시하나요? 결론은 글 전체를 정리하는 글입니다 해결책이나 주장 등의 갑자기 다른 내용을 쓰는 데가 아닙니다
각 문단 첫 시작은 한 칸 들여쓰고 시작해주시구요 (고쳐드렸습니다) Task2는 아직 이릅니다 Task1 쓰시면서 문법, 단어 공부하시고 문장 구성하는 방법을 배워주세요 아직 작문에 너무 약합니다 무슨 말인지도 모르는 것들이 꽤 많았습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 3 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 4
4.5 예상합니다 |