▶ Your Answer : For high school students, whether social charity programmes have to be toughted <(봉사활동을 가르키자는 statement가 아니라 아이들이 참여하게끔자는 내용입니다) mandatory or not is an issue which people feel passionately<<(왜 passionate가 나왔는지 모르겠습니다). Some people disagree with this factor while others strongly agree with it that. In this essay, these point of views will be discussed before offering my own opinion. There are a number of positive features about charity programs. First and most importantly, it has educational effects. In these days, because of increasing competition between classmates, students tend to be tortured by high stress. However, community service for people who need extra support can help students to learn about friendship and cooperation. Schools are not a simpley place for academical development. Social charity activity has to be promoted for another important role of the school's mission as an educational place. Secondly, students do not have not enough time to do charity activities. Therefore, if school policy presented relevant programmes about that of programmes, it would work efficiently for students who want charity activity.<(학생이 봉사활동을 할 시간이 없으면 학교에서 주최하는 봉사활동을 할 시간도 없을 겁니다. community service는 결국 학교 외에 시간을 써서 하게 되는 겁니다) However, there are some drawbacks about this idea. To begin with, charity has to be practiced by one's own will. If community service runs as a mandatory class, fundamental meaning of charity will be invaded. Lastly, students' opinions should be considered. High school students face with high level of stress and concern about university everyday. So, it would be a massive emotional burden for them to make them spend their time for charity instead of study. To sum up, even though it(what is it?) has an acceptable disagreement, social charity education should be promoted for students.<(Need more elaboration. 특히 전 문단에서는 마치 이 질문의 내용이 안좋은것으로 끝났습니다. 근데 갑자기 꼭 필요하다고 하면 흐름이 정말 어색하게 됩니다)
Score: 5.5 Comment: 내용정리가 잘 안된 에세입니다. 두 번째 문단과 세 번째 문단은 하나로 연결을 시켜야하는 내용들입니다. Outline 형식으로 장점과 단점을 나눠서 정리를 한후 에세이를 쓰시면 도움이 되실것 같습니다. |