▶ Your Answer :
It can be believed that had the older generation been provided better education, they wouldn't<(formal essay에는 contraction을 쓰지 않습니다.풀어서 써주셔야합니다) have committed crimes as mush as they actually did. That is a basic theory which people are convinced to have to concentrate more on educating children in high-develop education system in order to not to be a potential offender. In this essay, I will further present my opinion about this matter. <(글쓴이의 주장이 무엇인지 먼저 밝혀주셔야합니다)
Firstly, I am strongly convinced that the better and higher educated young people are, the less possibility they might be an offender. In the better education, people would not only be taught the important subjects such as math, language, but also ethics and manners. Moreover, they can be learnt to be a suitable member of the community. For example, the majority of the criminals are often revealed that they were isolated from the society, which caused for them to think the situation which they had committed crime, so dramatically such as killing or stealing. <(confusing) Had they been educated, so been able to analyse the situation wisely, they would not have been the offender because they would have found the better solution.
On the other hand, many people believe that committing crime is hardly related to the education level. The examples mentioned frequently to prove their thinking is that some of the offenders have taught in the various education from high school leavers to Ph doctor degree achievers. So just because they have even the highest degree does not mean that they might never commit a crime. <(of no value. 무슨 말을 전달하고자 하는지 잘 모르겠습니다. focus는 학년 보다는 그저 교육에 focus를 하시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. education level를 조금 off topic 해 보입니다.) In my opinion, however, most crime is caused due to lack of understanding about the society. People are able to learn how to be a successful member of the society or the community which they will belong to through the school. That is why I strongly believe that providing having provided the quality education to young people since they are young enough is the best way to reduce the proportion of the crime, particularly young offenders because they would learn how to live well with another people through the school and the provided education.
To sum up, although it would not be proved clearly that providing better quality education to young people influences positively to decline the proportion of committing crime, I fairly support that this idea is the best way to alleviate the problem in terms of the crime.
Score: 6.5 Comment: I, we, us, our 같은 인칭이나 단어를 쓰는 것은 피해주시는게 좋습니다. 만약에 글쓴이의 의견이 아닌 다른 사람의 의견이나 반대의견을 제시하실라면 그 의견을 같은 문단안에서 contradict, rebuttal해주셔야합니다. 그 외에는 글이나 300 글자수를 많이 넘습니다. 조금 줄이시고 summarize를 더 하시는 것을 추천 합니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |