▶ Your Answer :
These days, the businesses producing entertainment-related products such as mobile phones, video game consoles or laptops are making huge amounts of profits as those items are extremely popular for the
young generation. Some people argue that modern technology harms the
development of creativity for young people. I agree with this viewpoint due to
various reasons.
It is undeniable that the time
spent with modern gadgets has increased dramatically among young people in recent
years. Mobile phone, for instance, is owned by every teenager has a smart phone, and teenagers entertain themselves with it by calling, gaming, texting and surfing the
internet. Prevalent use of smart phones makes young people have having similar
interests, and takes their chances away from experiencing more things. In the
past, when children had fewer entertainment tools, they always tried to find
new ways to enjoy themselves.<need better connection> Children used to share more much time with their
peers, playing sports and street games together.
Additionally, young people living
in modern society often do not have many friends because electronic devices
keep them constantly entertained. According to a recent survey, children’s
favorite pastime include are including playing computer games and watching television
at home rather than hanging out with their friends. It shows they spend much a lot
of time alone obsessed with modern technologies. They do not read books or
talked to people as much as they used to in the past. Consequently, young
people do not have many chances to bring about their imagination.
In conclusion, reliant to advanced
technology in leisure time does not conduce conducive to enhancing children’s
creativity and imagination. This is because modern entertainment tools make
children separated from to their peers and or have them think passively. What they could imagine
are already in the video games and television. <(sound irrelevant)
Score: 6.5 Comment: 내용은 전체적으로 좋은데 creativity가 줄어드는 것에 대해서는 크게 서술해주신 부분이 없어 보이십니다. 즉 task의 모든 부분을 cover해주신것처럼 크게 들리지 않습니다. 세 번째 문단 처럼 '따라서 아이들이 상상력을 펼칠 기회가 많이 없다' 라고 결론을 지어주시는 것 보다는 문단의 주제를 '시간을 온통 게임이나 기기를 사용하는데에 신경을 쓰기 때문에 상상력이나 창의력을 펼치거나 생각할 틈이 없다. 그 이유들을 기기들을 사용하되 너무 기기를 사용 하는데에 집중을 하는 나머지 다른 것은 하지 않기 때문이다' 라고 해주시면 조금 더 focus가 질문을 답해주는데에 흐름이 갈 수 있다고 생각을 합니다. 그러신 다음에 친구들과도 교류할 시간을 만들지 않기 때문에 그 교류가 상상력이나 생각하는것을 develop하는데에 도움을 주는게 교류가 없으니 creativity도 줄어든다 라고 하시면 될 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 문법에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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