| |
| |
Compared to the past, the age having a
childbirth is increasing. This could have several reasons but the primary
reason is the financial issue. As the society develops to be a competitive world,
people have to secure their positions by possessing more materials. The more
security people have, they can provide a good quality of life to their children. As
a result of late childbirth, it can bring a quality of lifestyles to be singles <(싱글에 대해 focus를 하는 것 보다는 couples without children에 대해 focus를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.) and
they can spend more times for themselves. However, the governmental money may
have to be spent for supporting more elderly people and preventing for mortality. <(coherence/cohesion에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. )
There are various reasons for people to
have a childbirth at a later late age, but the primary reason could be the financial
issues. Society changes into A competitive world can be the foundation for this
entire problem. As the society changes, people have to be competitive to secure
their positions <(positions of what?) by possessing more materialistic. It is important to be stabilized with their positions professionally before a childbirth, because children can
live more comfortably with those possessions. <(introduction의 내용과금 repetitive하게 들립니다. Introduction을 조금 더 summarize 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.) Also, individuals can enjoy more of
their times and can enhance their quality of lifestyles of for being singles. If
people have a child, it would be difficult to have their own time and they
would devote their times to children. Therefore, the later childbirth can be
beneficial for individuals for having independence independency and quality of lifestyles. <(이 문단은 이유에 대해서 답을 해주신건지 장점에 대해서 서술을 해주신 건지 잘 모르겠습니다)
In contrast, the late childbirth can have
several issues such as physical and financial problems. Since the late pregnancy already
is risky, the miscarriage and the health of the for mother would be the major concern.
As the mother's age gets matured, it is difficult to provide sufficient
nutrition to a fetus, and which can increase the risk of the possibilities of
disabilities or the malfunction <(malfunction of what?). As a result of this, the mortality rates for
the late childbirth are higher than that of the early childbirth. To prevent
from such a tragedy tragic accident, the government should fund for late childbirth development
and supports. However, as the productive labourers are declining, by the
insufficient amount of government finances would be impossible to pay for
social welfare. Therefore, the persistent support for welfare services can be
difficult as continuous with the late childbirth <(?).
In conclusion, the late childbirth would be
beneficial for individuals for having more freedom and relaxation, but it can
create the massive chaos to society. The government would have to spend on
childbirth related funding and as well as social welfare.
Score: 5
Comment: 전체적으로 내용/글 정리가 필요합니다. 일단 질문에 대한 답이 clear하지 않습니다. 첫 번째 질문의 경우 financial reasons 때문에 라고 해주셨습니다. 다만 두 번째 문단에서 이 내용은 장점을 서술을 해주신 것 처럼 들립니다. 자점을 서술을 해주시는 거라면 transition을 In contrast를 해주셔도 되는 이유를 답해주신거라면 In contrast라는 답이 어울리지 않습니다. 즉, 두 번째 문단의 unity에 신경을 써주시기를 바랍니다. 또한 what are the reasons 이기 때문에 2개 이상의 이유를 주시면 좋습니다. 두 번째 질문의 경우 장/단점을 서술을 해주셨지만 장점이 더 많은지 단점이 더 많은지 답을 해주시지 않았습니다. 그저 장/단점이 있다고 만 서술을 해주셨기 때문에 질문을 답해주시지는 않았습니다. 그리고 introduction의 내용과 두 번째 문단의 내용이 repetitive하게 들립니다. Introduction을 summarize 더 해주셔서 general하게 소개를 해주시거 detail 부분을 두 번째 문단에 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 결론적으로, 전체적으로 내용정리를 해주시고 질문에 답을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 word form/word use/collocation/specificity/전치사 활용/에 틀리시고 계십니다. 특히 형용사 활용에 틀리시고 계십니다. Adjective만 써주시고 noun을 안써주시거나 adjective으로 써야하는데 noun form을 써주시고 계십니다. 문법에 신경을 써주시기를 바랍니다.