▶ Your Answer :
Many Lots of people are afraid to go out of
their comfort zone because of criminals. In the comparison to the past, the crime
rates have increased significantly, and this seems to be inevitable to prevent such issues.
However, I believe that if the government is tackling a different approach to
criminals and detentions, it can reduce the crime rates, and which can result in decreasing the insecurity for the ordinary people.
It seems very natural as the population
increases, the crime rates also increase substantially. As the population
increases, the world became competitive and this has been forcing people to develop
frequently with their competitive edges in order to remained stable. This
stressful life may force people to commit the impulsive crimes. This would be
the same for youth, elders and all population. <(이 내용은 irrelevant하게 들립니다. 오히려 왜 crime을 prevent할 수 있는 방법이 많이 없는지에 대해 focus를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) As the time passes, the
government had amended the tort legislation, but it had a little impact on
society and the crime rates. Therefore, there are not many solutions preventing protecting
the crime, except protecting individuals themselves.
In contrast, there are still many other
approaches, which have not been enlightened by the governments. The government
should always consider for the worst case. Otherwise, the situation would be
circling like a deja vu . Their primary concern is the citizen's safety, so a the
stronger punishment should be sought. The stronger punishment could prevent the
prior criminal actions. In the case of Philippines, since they introduced the
capital punishment, the crime rates have dropped by more than 30%. Alternatively,
the government could put a strong punishment by life sentences. It is very
common for the case in the USA where the criminals are sentenced for 200 year life
sentences or 400 year life imprisonments. Furthermore, the more patrol guards on the
streets can increase the security feelings for residents. By this long prison
imprisonment, the stronger punishment and putting more patrol guards on the
streets, it can ensure the security for citizens. <(내용을 조금 더 summarize 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
In conclusion, it is understandable that,
people get stressed and the stresses may come out in a wrong way by commit a
crime. However, it does not mean that this act is inevitable, and the government
should let the innocent victims to be die. There are many other approaches
available which might not have been enlighten by the governments. The capital punishment,
life imprisonment and patrol guards could be the foundation for ensuring
citizen's security.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 두 번째 문단의 내용 일부분이 irrelevant합니다. 또한 문법에도 꽤 틀리시고계십낟. 수동태 활용/시제/collocation/punctuation/formality/에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |