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In the past, living in different areas was were very common, because of frequent attacks from the external factors resulting insecurity. As the human civilisation has improved, this can secure with one's life for the rest of life and thus, the more people decided to remain within the place without moving to other areas for residing. This has several reasons but the primary reason could be the adaptation and comfort. comfortable. Moving to different areas could mean that, people would have to adapt to new environment and new people. Even though moving to different places can have further personal growth, people would stay within their comfort zones due to the laziness. 서론이 너무 길고 앞뒤 내용이 맞지 않는다는 느낌이 있어요. 안전이 보장돼서 이제 다른 지역으로의 이동이 줄어들었다고 이미 말했는데 갑자기 안정감과 적응 때문에 옮기지 않는다고 이야기하고, 마지막에는 게을러서 옮기지 않는다고 이야기하니까 내용이 모순됩니다. 흐름을 하나로 잡아서 정리해주세요. 서론은 본론에서 전개할 내용을 소개하는 문단이기 때문에 간결하게 글에서 전개할 내용만 넣어서 써 주어야 합니다. Living in one place for the rest of life has a definite advantage of to have a comfortable relationship with neighbors and regional friends in depth. By living in the same city for 20 years, for instance, that a person would know the whole neighbourhood and would be able to make close friends. For kKnowing the neighborhood and environment can provide the feeling of secure and at the same time that can create the fear scare of step outside of the comfort zones. Therefore, the more people reside resided in one place, the more they get used to the surroundings and this becomes their comfort zones, which creates the psychological insecurity of outside of the comfort zones. 반복되는 표현은 가급적 줄여주세요. Stepping outside of comfort-zones can be scary, but it can provide several skills for individuals; adaptation and, socialisation skills which bring and personal growth. Living in another area areas could mean that any people must get used to the environment and they have to make new friends. The way to commute, the supermarket nearby, the route of public transportation and etc. would be the one of the factors to be adapted by people who are willing to move to another area. areas. Furthermore, those wills could be linked to their personal growth. The better employments are often found outside of someone's comfort zones. As a result, people would have to move their houses. Therefore, adapting adapt to new environment, and socializing socialise with new neighborhood and personal growth are the possible skills would acquired. personal growth는 'skill'이 아니니 같이 묶기는 어색해요. These skills can be recognised as the competitive edges acquired by living another areas. In conclusion, it is a fact that majority of people would prefer to stay within their comfort zones. Those people can be afraid to go out because the bothersome of starting everything again; by getting to know the environment and making new friends. Despite the provision of various practical skills of adaptation, and socialisation and personal growth, people are prefer to stay within their comfort-zones. However, we it cannot deny that moving out of their residential areas would have more advantageous.
IELTS 1-9 score scale score: 5.5 modest user
반복되는 표현이 너무 많고 제시하는 내용도 너무 중복되는 게 아쉬웠습니다. 같은 내용을 반복하는 부분이 너무 많으면 논리면에서도 감점요인이 될 수 있어요. 논리를 정하고 나면 반복적으로 강조하는 게 아니라 점점 더 specific하게 풀어간다는 느낌으로 글을 구성해주시는 게 좋습니다. 문법 오류도 신경써주세요. 수고하셨습니다~!
아이엘츠 라이팅 채점기준 참고하세요 - TA/TR(Task Achievement/Task Response) 문제에 정확히 답변, 적정 분량 - CC(Coherence and Cohesion) 일관성, 응집성 - LR(Lexical Resource) 다양한 어휘표현 - GR(Grammartical Range and Accuracy) 문법 다양성, 정확성 |