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There is no doubt that a massive number of people can be living much longer than they expect since the evolvement of medical research, thus, they prefer to work at work place as much as they can. Therefore, with regard regards to this issue some people may insist that, older people need to be able to postpone postponed their retirement. However, Ii completely disagree with this contention as it has negative impacts towards people and society. It is true that even though older employees tend to work wisely rather than young workers, older people have a limit in doing physical activities thus they need to retire from work place at maximum 60 years old. Furthermore, there are existing an enormous number of white collar and blue collar workers existing in working industry. For instance, as for blue collar workers in Korea, older people are apt to take a position on work place and just order their work to younger workers rather than do themselves even if they are not experts. 맥락이 맞지 않습니다. 나이 많은 사람들이 젊은사람들에게 일을 지시하려고만 한다는 내용이 '정년 연령'과 어떤 관련성을 갖는지 보여줄 수 있어야 합니다. Therefore, if people get old or suffer from work place, they are required to be retired. On top of this, this phenomenon also leads to the growth of youth unemployment that results from over 60 aged workers keep staying stay on their position instead of being inherited leaving jobs to the new young employees. According to a survey conducted in Korea last year, the rate of youth unemployment was hugely soared than over a half of figure from last year due to the fact that old workers still wanted to work until they die. '정년'에 대한 문제인데 사람들이 죽을 때까지 일하고 싶어해서 자리가 나지 않는다는 내용은 어색합니다. 어차피 정년이 정해져있고 그에 맞춰서 퇴직해야 한다는 내용을 전제로 하고 있으니까요. 지금 정해진 정년을 모두 채우고 나가는 것으로도 젊은이들의 일자리부족에 영향을 미친다고 서술하는 편이 더 자연스러울 것 같아요. In terms of development of economy economic, older employees need to withdraw for young employees. To conclude, it is clear that people who get old, they have to retire from their position and need to inherit the job to new workers as the positive effects of retirement of older workers at certain ages outweigh the negative effects of delaying their retirement.
IELTS 1-9 score scale score: 5.5 modest user
생산성 문제와 실업률 문제로 정년 연장에 반대하는 논조를 드러낸 것은 좋았습니다. 하지만 흐름에 맞지 않는 내용이나 논리가 약한 문장들은 개선이 필요할 것 같습니다. 단어와 문법도 더 신경써주세요. 특히 수량 표현 오류가 많은 편입니다. 수고하셨습니다~! 아이엘츠 라이팅 채점기준 참고하세요 - TA/TR(Task Achievement/Task Response) 문제에 정확히 답변, 적정 분량 - CC(Coherence and Cohesion) 일관성, 응집성 - LR(Lexical Resource) 다양한 어휘표현 - GR(Grammartical Range and Accuracy) 문법 다양성, 정확성 |