Universities should allocate the same amount of money to students’ sports activities as they allocate to their libraries. Do you agree?
Some universities invest schools’ budget developing parts of sports and developing their libraries. It means that, they consider important not only intellectual sense but also physical activities. I strongly agree with this opinion as I think that sports activities essential to lives. (첫 문장 때문에 서론이 완전히 꼬여버렸기 때문에, 서론 전체를 싹 묶어서 댓글 주세요~. 첫 문장 때문에, 마지막 문장의 this opinion 이 뭔지 전혀 파악이 안 되는 상황입니다. 그리고 이처럼 문단 하나의 흐름이 통째로 파악이 되지 않을 경우 CC쪽에 치명적인 영향을 주게 됩니다.)
First and foremost, activation of physical is
possible to maintain overall fitness. In the past, there were a number of
opportunities that move their body like farming, travelling using their foot.
However, with a tremendous advanced technical method, an increase in a sedentary lifestyle can be commonly seen it is commonly seen that increase
a rate of sedentary lifestyle. This is because, people able to utilize machinery
as harvesting apparataus as well as dive private car to commuting. (여기도 같이 댓글 주시고, drive 는 철자 지켜주세요~) The lack of
activity can lead to various diseases such as obesity and diabetes. Thus, universities
should fund in sports activities activity program or facilities in order to encourage students’ healthy body.
Secondly, exercise is eventually helpful to education.
In process of activity, the movements stimulate the parts of brain. According
to a study, through a lot of impulse by workout, brains give a stimulus to release
adrenaline that help an ability of the brain become more boosted and enhanceed. In
addition, sports would be a method of get rid off stress. Almost Most (나중에 시간 나시면 꼭 almost 와 most 는 정리해주세요! 수험생들이 정말 많이 틀리는 사항 중 하나입니다.) students are
under pressure like academic results, former (formal?) academic qualification and so on. Therefore,
they need places to be engaged in activities the place or activities in order to break away the strains through a healthy
means to develop a healthy mind. It is the best way to solve the problem.
In conclusion, physical activities have a positive impact on students so universities would not ignore it. (무시해서는 안 된다와 도서관에 투자하는 것 만큼 투자해야 한다는 전혀 다른 사항입니다. 임의로 변형하지 않도록 주의해주세요~)
총 글자수:255자
총 소요 시간:39분
총평: (6/4/6/5) 5.5
우선, 아직 의견과 현상에 대한 구분이 깔끔하게 이루어지고 있지 않기 때문에 주의해주셔야 합니다. 현재 서론의 첫 문장은, 정확한 의미를 모르겠지만 일단 의견이 아니라 현상임은 확실해요. 그러나 맨 마지막 문장에는 의견이라는 표현이 나와있기 때문에 충돌이 있는 것이고요. 이런저런 복합적인 문제가 있기 때문에 서론은 반드시 수정이 필요하고, 또한 문장은 아직은 꼬아서 작성하실 필요 없습니다. 그냥 의미전달에 최대한 집중해서 정확한 문장을 만드는 것을 먼저 신경써주세요~수고하셨습니다 :)