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Thinking of the idea that equal numbers cannot fully prove fully the equality of a society>> 똑같은 수는 사회의 평등을 충분히 입증하지 못한다는 것에 대해서 생각해보면서 ? 어떤 equal numbers고 어떤걸 prove를 하나요? 뒤에 제시하는게 아닌 여기에 제시해서 처음 읽으면서 무슨 얘기를 하는지 알게 해줘야 합니다, I disagree with that the equal numbers of male and female students should be accepted in every subject by in universities. Instead, I recommend that universities give their students equal chances to apply for the subjects in order to keep the equality between 2 groups >> 10이하의 숫자는 수치가 아닌 이상엔 영어로 써주세요 make a balance of students both genders for several reasons.
Most of all, firstly, the total numbers of each male and female students are is not the same. Thus, the equality between them would will be false fail if the number of male students is greater than the number that of female students ones. However, it does not directly mean directly that providing them>>?? who with the available numbers by the proportion sex ratio can support the equality because of the following paragraphs. >> 얼추 맞는 구조로 갔지만 However 부분부터 이상합니다 날리고 예시를 써주세요
Secondly, there might be different interests towards subjects between male and female students. >> 이게 아니라 "남녀의 과목에 대한 선호도의 정도가 다르다" 이렇게 주장을 펼쳐야 합니다 설명은 어디있나요? 여성은 sedentary 의 것 남자는 physical한 것을 좋아한다 식으로 설명이 있어야 합니다 For example, male students may be more interested in some majors related to technologies than do female students. However, in this situation, providing equal numbers to both sides>> 양측에 동등한 수를 준다면? 무슨 말인가요? causes that female students could enter those majors with lower scores than those of male students, and this situation, of course, >> 스피킹 하는게 아닙니다 ruins equality.
Finally, who get better scores can fail to enter a subject which the student wants to get in because of a gender problem. As a result, the concept of equal numbers causes an unequal situation. >> 없는게 좋습니다 한 문장으로 단락을 구성하는 글은 오히려 논리력, 구성력을 떨어뜨리기만 합니다 또한 entre a subject는 말이 안 됩니다 entre a faculty 같은건 말이 되지만요
In conclusion, I proclaim argue that giving both sides of students the same chance to apply for every subject is a more efficient, reasonable way to build the equality between different genders of students,>> 콤마 빼주세요 rather than just providing them with the equal numbers.
(the) numbers students 같이 계속 쓰인 말만 쓰이고 동명사 주어 형태도 자주 보이네요 문장 구조력이나 어휘력이 약합니다 단어도 알맞지 않은 곳에 쓰이구요 Task1 작성해주시는게 좋겠습니다 주장 설명 예시의 구조가 가장 좋습니다 하지만 주장 설명의 구조까지도 제대로 갖춰지지 않았습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.5 예상합니다 |