Topic: Some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding changes . Others , however think that change is always a good thing . Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
While some people insist that routine life without doing something new or different is better, the others prefer dynamic life with full of changes. This essay In this essay, I will examine both sides of the issue. >>페러프레이즈는 좋았지만 문제제기가 너무 급하게 중점부터 나온 듯 싶습니다 간단하게 언급하고 중점 언급하고 본인 의견 언급하는게 더 좋겠습니다
On the one hand First of all, there are several people who want to live an unpredictable life >> 갑자기 예측할 수 없는 일이라고 왜 나오나요? 너무 비약적인 전개입니다. They tend to find excitement from a series of uncertain events. For example, some backpackers purchase one-way ticket to a certain destination without any itinerary. They just go where they want to go and stay as long as they want. They enjoy unexpected situations and find excitement of the life from this adventure. >> 정리를 시도했지만 결국 중복입니다
Nevertheless, I personally prefer stable life with three reasons below. First, it is possible to prepare for the foreseen future. People, for example, can start to save money for tuition of their children, and make a vacation plan in advance at lower cost. Moreover, peaceful life allows us to be free from the stress caused by uncertainty. Since people need to sharpen their swords >> 이런 관용적인 표현은 줄여주세요 all the time, uncertainty brings us a lot of stress since people need to sharpen their swords all the time and it is very demanding. The last and most important reason is a family. Someone’s life is not his/her own life, but the life of the whole family. Even though a certain member prefers dynamic life, it should will be banned if any of members do not like it. It is impossible to put the whole family in the adventurous life by one-person’s decision.>> 이런 식으로 본인의 의견을 넣는게 아닙니다 본문 하나 내에 3개의 의견이 들어간 꼴입니다 Moreover는 주장을 나타내는 부사입니다 위의 본문 글의 형식으로 쓰셔야 합니다 주장은 테스크에 나와있는 same/change 를 다루는 대신 설명, 예시 부분은 본인의 의견을 들면서 진행하고 결론에서 그 내용들을 포괄적으로 종합하면서 끝내는게 좋은 글입니다
In conclusion, I strongly believe that stable and predictable life has more benefit although uncertain life might be full of fun and excitement.
본문의 형태가 좋지 않았습니다 가장 중요한 문단인 본문에서 두 번째 구조는 완전히 망가졌구요 논리의 전개나 어떤 중복 등의 문제들이 있었습니다 그 밖에 단어나 문장 구조들은 괜찮았습니다 한 부분에서 1점만 더 받았으면 6.0이 되겠습니다
Task Achievement - 5
Coherence and Cohesion - 5
Lexical Resource - 6
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
5.5 예상합니다