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Common knowledge recognition indicates that people's interest toward the Olympic Games has decreased. The prevalence of other international and domestic sport events is the main culprits. Due to this phenomenon, some people assert that the Olympic Games is not essensial for a society, while others advocate that the Olympic Games still has the merit to keep the tradition. I wholeheartedly >> 한 단어입니다 agree with the latter >> the former the latter 이런 식이 아닌 본인의 포인트는 말을 해줘야 합니다 that this essay will render the advantages of the Olympics Games.
To begin with, historically, the Olympic Games have helped to achieve the skyrocketing>>대쉬 빼주세요 economic growth to many deveolping countries. >> 설명이 없네요 어떤 식으로 도와줬는지에 대한 설명이 있고 예시로 어떤 나라가 어떤 식으로 혜택을 입었는지에 대해 쓰는게 좋습니다 As an example, in 1988, South Korea hosted the Olympic Games and it led to the almost doubled the GDP. Additionally, perspectives of foreigners changed as well as the financial status. To eleborate, the Olympic Games enabled people in the world to change the perspective from the poor war experienced country in a truce to the fast developing country. Thus, the Olympic Games can still help other developing countries to thrive economically and also to build up thier reputation. >> additionally 는 주장을 나타내니 없애주세요 보시면 그 부분 삭제해도 말이 충분히 통하는걸 아실 수 있습니다
Furthermore, the Olympic Games gathers people into one spot. In other words, it brings people together, which contributes to alleviate the discrimmination of cultures. As a brief illustration, people visit the host country and experience their culture. Moreover, watching the opening and closing celemony would be a sensational way to advertise the culture. >> For instance, 예시를 보여주세요 As a result, the Olympic Games will offset the culture shock to people and advertise the host country's custom to the world. >> 역시 위와 마찬가지로 moreover는 주장을 나타내는 부사니 없애주세요
To recapitulate, the Olympic Games is still an indispensible, international event that people can enjoy. It is multifaceted >>대쉬 빼주세요 benefits such as financially supporting financially >> 부사는 주로 동사 뒤에서 꾸밉니다 a developing country and alleviating the bias segregation. After taking into account the merits above, the Olympic Games should continue its journey.
각 문단 첫 시작은 한 칸 들여쓰고 시작해주세요 한 본문엔 하나의 의견이 필요합니다 The Olympic Games를 너무 쓰지 말고 The huge event 이런 식으로 바꿔서 표현하는 것도 좋습니다 참고해주세요 The Olympics 라고 고쳐드리기도 했습니다
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 7 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 7
7.0 예상합니다 |