▶ Your Answer :
Time is always changing, therefore families' shapes are also changing to follow the time. <Need better cohesion> So we can see some changing in family structures and family member's role.<Need better cohesion/coherence> It has have some positive effect in our life. <(Need better thesis statement. 질문을 더 정확히 답해주는 thesis statement가 필용합니다)
Nowadays, many families have become smaller in size family member's numbers are reduced. (문장을 because으로 시작하는 것을 추천하지 않습니다. 다음 내용은 stand alone 할 수 없으며 전 문장과 콤마로 이어주셔야합니다)>Because they do not want to care their parents and their parents do not want their care too. Parents retired after enjoying their pursuit and they sometimes travel abroad by themselves. Thus, both parents and their children choose to live on without each other's care or company. So each other do not want their care. In addition family member's roles are changing., Women earn money and men take of households do householding. It has havd several reasons. In these days, females society status is getting higher than males. So, several females can receive more salary than more then males' salary. And also, some men are interested in houseworking , they enjoy householding.
In my opinion, it is positive that the number of in our life about family members numbers are reducing. It<(what is it?) does not have to use a lot of money. In addition, with men helping with housework, women have more time to do their own work and relax. men do householding women have a lot of time and females life is more comfortable. Some women want to work without householding stress. And males also can enjoy the house work who interested in houseworking.
In conclusion, the roles in families are changing and family structures are becoming nuclear families. The roles of women and men have also been switched in some families and this actually has a positive effect on society. family member`s role changing and family structure are occur form of nuclear family and women and men`s work changing but it can be a positive effect on own life.
Score: 4 Comment: 내용은 fair한데 문법이나 내용/글 연결성이 많이 부족하십니다. 전체적으로 cohesion과 coherence에 신경을 더 써주셔야합니다. 문법상 문장구조, 콤마, 어순, 표현, singular/plurality 에 틀리시고 계십니다. 또한 더 다양한 표현을 써주셔야합니다. 쓰시는 표현이 조금 한정적으로 보입니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 추가로 글자수가 insufficient합니다. Reader가 글이 부족하다고 판당할 경우 패널티가 적용이 됩니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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