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In these days, we live longer than ever before due to the medical science, so every year average life expectancy is increasing. In addition we are forced with several problems in society and individuals. <(Need a clear thesis statement) (Need better transition/cohesion/coherence)
Elderly people's money matter and heathcares are is a serious problems. It is easy for elderly people to become sick, but curing their sickness is rather difficult. Elderly people easily get a disease, it is difficult to cure elderly patients because, if aging people have a big disease like cancer. In addition, elderly have financial a money difficulties after they retired. Companies forced retirement to aging people and they lose lost their job. Of course they can get pension but it is hard to live with pension. So some older people are suffer from money problems.
However, the good news is that we have some solutions to the problems brought about from increasing life expectancy above-mentioned. Elderly can prevent diseases. Through eating a healthy diet, it will help old people maintain their health better. If they eat vegetables, fruits and milk, this is becaues it have vitamin, mineral, calcuim. In addition we insist that make immunity systems and order people can prevent disease.<(sentence fragment며 이해가 잘 안되는 문장입니다) We could also creat jobs for aging people. They can earn money and it will eventually help them live their life better. helps their income then their life as well as our society will be good ever before
In conclusion, it is cleary that we have problems because of the average life expectancy is increasing , therefore the government should take steps to help the tackle these matters. we take a steps as a government as well as aging people themseves to tackle this phenomenon.
Score: 4 Comment: 전 에세이 첨삭과 같은 문제점들이 있습니다. 전체적으로 cohesion/coherence가 lack 하며 문장구상이 틀리거나, 어색하거나, 이해가 잘안되는 부분들이 많습니다. 또한 이 에세이도 글자수가 부족합니다. 또한 individuals에 대해서 답을 해주셨지만 society level에 대한 문제는 서술해주지 않았습니다. 그 외에는 주로 문법 공부를 더 해주시고 글 안에 있는 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |