▶ Your Answer : -
The given chart illustrates information about people who live in Australia. Iit gives figures for both native and non-native, by four BMI parts.
Iit is clear that males achieved the most in normal and overweight. Aand there are some noticeable gaps in overweight and obese, in terms of their number. 둘 다 male에 대해서만 보여주는 자료이니까 male이 어느 항목에서 제일 많은지 설명하는 것은 불필요해요. 전체 자료에 대해서 설명할 때 먼저 그냥people이 아니라 native males와 non-native males에 대한 자료라고 밝혀주어야 정확합니다. 맨 첫 문장이랑 지금 문장 내용을 합쳐서 잘 정리하면 좋을 것 같아요.
they recorded similarly Iin normal, both the aboriginal people and the non-aboriginal people recorded similarly , with around 37% and 39% respectively. Meanwhile, underweight, overweight and obese are show significant gap in both the aboriginal people and the non-aboriginal people.
Wwhen it comes to overweight, the figure for the non-aboriginal people was around 10% higher than the aboriginal people’s figure, with 42% and 32% respectively. On the other hand, this trend was the opposite in obese, with 26% of the aboriginal people and 18% of non-aboriginal people, which where the percentage of the aboriginal people was around 8% higher than non-aboriginal people’s figure.
Also, there was a similar trend in underweight, which where the percentage of the aboriginal people was around 2% higher than the non-aboriginal people with 4% and 2% respectively.
IELTS 1-9 score scale score: 6 competent user
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아이엘츠 라이팅 채점기준 참고하세요 - TA/TR(Task Achievement/Task Response) 문제에 정확히 답변, 적정 분량 - CC(Coherence and Cohesion) 일관성, 응집성 - LR(Lexical Resource) 다양한 어휘표현 - GR(Grammartical Range and Accuracy) 문법 다양성, 정확성 |