1. 목표하시는 점수: W7.0 (Averall 7.5), 2. 다음 시험 예정 날짜 1/18, 3. 이전에 시험을 치렀을 경우 그때의 점수 X, 4. 현재 글을 시간을 재고, 아무런 외부의 도움 없이 작성했는지의 여부 : 시간 40분,도움 없었습니다. 5. 기타 현재 상황
Some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situation, such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money. Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion
Some people say that people should live with what they have, while others contend that people should try hard for a better situation. Both sides have reasonable explanations, but I think it is better to try and improve a difficult situation.
Some advantages do exist when one chooses to accept the current situation and live with it. One who accepts may not have to try so hard and be less stressful. To accept is certainly more comfortable both physically and mentally than to try to overcome. However, by accepting, people lose a chance to progress and improve their lives.
By trying to overcome a situation, a person can grow. When people have goals, such as academic achievement or promotion at work, they try to improve. This goal becomes purpose of people's lives and gives people them energy to live. For example, my brother had a money issue two years ago. He had a goal to fix his problem by getting a better job. This goal led him to focus on his studies, which got him a well-paying job, and he felt much satisfied than before.
Also, each person's endeavor to improve one's status builds the progress of the world. I believe that today's cultural and scientific development is the result of individuals' hard work. If everyone bears with their current situation, there will be no development in the society. (윗 문단과 합쳐주시고, 또한 현재의 두 번째 문단과 3,4번째 문단의 합 간 비율 차이가 조금 나니까 조절해주시면 됩니다.)
Although it is a little more stressful to overcome difficult circumstances, people should make efforts to improve their situation. Trying is important not only for one's own sake but also for the progress of humanity.
총평: (7/6/6/7) 6.5
일단 문법이 되게 깔끔한 편입니다. 그리고 이는 시험장에서 매우 좋은 무기가 될 거에요. 반면에 문법 실력에 비해 어휘의 사용은 조금 아쉽습니다. accept 가 주구장창 쓰였고, 이 외에도 표현이 다소 단조로웠으므로 동의어 공부는 꾸준히 해주세요~
+본론 문단의 경우 그냥 웬만하면 2개로 해서, 총 4개의 문단으로만 마무리짓는다고 생각하시면 됩니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)