> > 2009-11-16 06:58:01, '' 님이 쓰신 글입니다. ↓
■ You should spend about 40 minutes on this task ■ Present a written argument or case to an educated reader no special knowledge of?the?following topic ■ You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant ???evidence ■ You should write at least 250 words | |
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Topic :
Many people believe that academic subjects are more important than creative and physical education, such as music and sport. Therefore only academic subjects should be taught at schools. | |
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Nowadays, there are diverse subjects in school curriculum. Thus, students have been taught all subjects which are more than 10 subjects. However, it can be argued that education system should be changed. As a result, teaching only academic subjects, such as mathematics, science, etc, is more beneficial than learning whole curriculum. Nevertheless, in my opinion, I strongly believe that all subjects are an essential part of the school curriculum because of abundant benefits. <== academic을 얘기하시는 거면 확실히 쓰세요~ subjects라고 하시면 광범위해집니다. 따라서 3자는 논지를 파악하기가 힘들어집니다.
First of all, physical and creative education, for example, art, music, should be ceased or removed in several reasons. One of the main reasons is requirements of jobs. These days, every job requires competent people who have specific skills in their own occupation. According to this trend, students concentrate on only academic studies to prepare for going to university. Another is that it spends large amount of money on providing students with all subjects. Schools should be supported much money for not only school facilities but also a lot of capable teachers are hired to teach art, music, sport. In particular, the government grants funds for keeping school facilities, such as gymnasium and equipments for physical education, and teacher’s salary in public schools. A further reason is that it is too much subjects for students to learn more than 10 subjects. Accordingly, they have to be taught main subjects; mathematics, science, etc because lots of subjects cause lots of exams which force students to do hard work. That is not helpful for them in school. 문법상 큰 실수는 보이지 않습니다. 하지만 주제가 creative and physical education도 가르쳐야 되나 인데 이 얘기는 주로 중, 고등학교에 해당하는 얘기 일듯 싶습니다. 취업문제를 얘기하면 조금... 벗어나지 않을까요?
On the other hand, there are a number of merits of all areas of subjects. Above all, students could discover their hidden potential through a variety of activities. Creative and physical education encourage them to find their interests and talents. Besides, if these things are abolished in school, it affects our society to reduce important human resources that have special talents because our society demands scientist, teachers and doctors as well as artists and athletes. Second is that students need to acquire basic social skills. For instance, they can develop imagination in art class and learn teamwork and how to cooperate with people in physical education. Although people who have great scholastic abilities are required in many jobs, our society requires creative and sociable people. Lastly, these subjects; art, music and sport improve the health of mind and body. Students learn about how to keep the health in physical activities, furthermore, imagine and express their ideas in art or music class. It relieves stress in hard work of the school and increase efficiency of studies. 이 문단은 smooth하게 잘 쓰셨네요.
In conclusion, despite of the factor higher academic performance is necessary, creative and physical education are also a vital role of school syllabus. I confirm believe that students have to be taught equal education, academic and non-academic subjects rather than inclined only academic subjects. | |
제가 완벽하게 다쓴건 아니구요 여기저기 자료찿아보고 비슷한 에쎄이쓴거
찿아 보면서 제꺼로 문장바꾸고 그렇게 해서 썻습니다 많이 부족한거압니다 첨삭 부탁드려요 ㅠㅠ
일단 전반적으로 평가하자면 잘 쓰셨습니다.
하지만 굉장히 큰 실수를 하셨네요.
두번째 문단과 세번째 문단의 thesis가 다른점을 아시고 쓰신건가요..?
실제 시험에서 thesis가 다른 문단을 섞은채로 쓰면 아무리 문법오류가 없더라도 0점 처리 되버립니다. off topic으로 간주되기 때문입니다.
비슷한 에세이들을 보시고 문장을 바꾸셨다고 하시는데 이런 방법으로는 writing 실력이 향상되기 어렵습니다. ㅠㅠ
아무리 좋은 에세이들을 많이 읽고 paraphrasing 연습을 해도 실제 시험에서는 실력이 발휘 되지 않습니다.
실수가 많아도 본인 실력을 그대로 반영해서 에세이를 쓰고 첨삭을 받아야 효율적인 essay 연습을 할 수 있습니다.
기억하시고 다음번에는 꼭 본인이 직접 쓴 에세이를 올려주세요!!!
화이팅..!!!
p.s. 많은 분들이 잘못 알고 계신 정보중에 하나가 두번째 문단의 논지를 이렇게 세번째 논지는 저렇게.. 하는 방식으로 essay를 많이 쓰시는데요. 절대로 이 방식 따르시면 안됩니다.
off topic됩니다.