▶ Your Answer : Today, using a computer is a practice that
has spanned across many cultures and countries. Hence, daily use of computers >> using computers daily
is common for all the people including children. However, some people argue
that this phenomenon has more drawbacks than benefits. I disagree and believe
that computers can offer more advantages than disadvantages.
There is no doubt that excessive use of
computers can pose negative effects on young individuals. Firstly, harmful
contents are easily accessible easy to access through the Internet including heavy violence or
pornography. In addition to this, the Internet and computer games on computers could be
highly addictive, resulting in extended usage. Extended uses The excessive use of computer can
cause physical problems such as backache from having a fixed sitting in constant position
and can also be bad for children’s sight. Likewise, it is understandable why
some people say that using a computer can negatively influence a child. >> 주장 이유 예시 설명 정리 본문으로 갖출 부분을 잘 갖추고 있습니다 좋은 전개였습니다
On the other hand, using a computer does
not only have drawbacks. For instance, computers can provide useful media for
learning and entertaining under proper parental guidance. Many young people
claim that they learn more effectively on a computer. Moreover, computer-related skills are essential criteria for many professions in the modern
society>> such as what?. Therefore, familiarization with computers and developing computer-based techniques can be beneficial to young people.
Following the analysis of both sides, it is
felt that the utilization of computers can bring both advantages than
disadvantages. I believe the main point is to guide children to use computers
in appropriate and useful ways rather than letting them being exposed to bad
influences from the Internet.
주장이 좋았습니다 단순히 인터넷에 그치지 않고 컴퓨터를 하는 동안의 자세를 캐치해주셨구요 본론의 전개가 좋았습니다 하지만 본인의 주장 내용은 컴퓨터는 이점이 더 많다인데 결국은 글의 주장을 직접적으로 나타내고 설명하는 부분인 본론엔 단점에 더욱 비중이 맞춰진 글로 작성된 듯 싶습니다 Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 7 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6 6.0 예상합니다 본론의 비중을 조금만 조절하신다면 6.5 충분하다 생각합니다
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