▶ Your Answer :
No one would deny that impact of mass media on mankind, providing good or bad news. However, recently, mass media broadcasts some excessive crime scenes via our TV screens and newspapers. In this essay, I will agree with restricting them and demonstrate the appropriate reasons. >> I argue the extreme sights should be limited and demonstrate appropriate reasons. 는 어떨까요?
To begin with, it is clear that suppressing press is dangerous to people. >> 주장은 단언적이어야 합니다 Nowadays, TV and newspapers provide critical informations >> information은 불가산명사라 항상 단수취급 합니다 such as crimes, wars, social problems, and environmental problems. To start controlling Limitations on mass media by the government causes that people cannot acquire all of important information which is important. Supposing to For example, when a notorious prisoner who was on crime >>?? is escaped from the jail, people cannot know the news and avoid him.>> 예를 들면 악명높은 수감자가 감옥에서 탈출할 때, 사람들은 그 소식을 모르고 그를 피한다? 무슨 말인지 모르겠습니다
However, this may be true to some extent, On the other hand, modern press is needed to regulate in a little few parts. Young viewers acquired could see the crimes in detailed without filtering from televisions as they do not distinguish if the scene is bad or not. They would imitate some terrible behaviours instead of something they have to do>> 그들은 그들이 해야하는 어떤 것 대신에 끔찍한 행동들을 모방할 것이다 그들이 해야하는건 무엇이고 어떤 끔찍한 행동들을 모방하죠? 밑에 furthermore가 아닌 예시를 써주셔야 합니다.
Furthermore, as a negative consequence, focusing on not right conducts but crime acts makes more and more people to have interests on only criminal's behaviours. For instance, people know that who kills people, how many people died, how does the murderer kill and how hide instead what is just. >> 주장 설명 예시 형태가 제대로 이뤄지지 않았습니다 단언적인 어투로 본인의 주장도 없고 대략적인 설명, 부족한 예시를 들었네요
In conclusion, despite some opposite opinions, press should be restricted to show the specific points in order to protect the younger and the others.
우선 글자수가 250자에 미치지 못합니다 글자수는 라이팅 점수에서 가장 큰 부분을 차지하니 주의해주세요 중간 중간 무슨 말인지 모르겠는 말들이 있습니다 제대로 설명이나 예시 등의 보충이 받쳐지지 않아 글자수도 부족한걸테구요
Task Achievement - 4 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5 5.0 예상합니다 |