▶ Your Answer :
Before answer this question, I would like to ask people what you think about leisure time and is that need to people during living in our society.
Spending leisure time is necessary to solve from relieve stress of from work in our life. To be honestly, I prefer to relax in café or watching movie in house in leisure time although just taking a rest is a good way to recover someone's mind, rather having fun in leisure time would be more helpful to refresh. , as I think this suits me better. However, no one cannot say denies that to which doing activities or relaxing are is more recover better to remove pressure from your stress life. >> 서론을 아예 바꿔드려야 하는데 이미 작성하신 틀 내에서 바꿔드려야 하니 저도 복잡해져서 제대로 됐을진 모르겠습니다
To begin with, some people utilize leisure time,>> 콤마 빼주세요 such as playing sports or going to the gym. Those people usually work in office while they sit in front of a computer or deal with other people. If you people have sedentary jobs such as analysts or statisticians through looking at a computer or person who instructs children in school, you they may choose prefer to play leisure sports or other athletic time physical activities at that time rather than relax time by reading a book or watching TV. They don’t do not >> 축약형 쓰지 말아주세요 feel settle their stress>>?? during seating in on a chair with reading books. >> 아무것도 안하고 leisure time 에 쉬는 것과 책 같은걸 읽는 활동을 나열했습니다 그냥 relax/do something 이 비교 대상입니다 근데 운동/책 읽기를 비교한건 주제에서 요구하던 내용이 아닙니다 예시 써주세요
What is more, other people work very actively like , desiring demanding physical, active jobs. People who overtax their strengths>>??, they would not rather to utilize strengths when they have a day which could help to recover from stress of work >>??. For instance, when I was in army in my country korea, I was always active by the time appointed. At that moment, whenever I got took a vacation from my superiors, I spent generally very relaxative time generally.
According to reports, people are more influence by working pasture than might be thought. This is because they fancy to another circumstance. In conclusion, no matter how people spend their leisure time, the most important method is helping to solve their stress.>> 결론 부분에서 갑자기 reports 가 나오지 않습니다 본문에서도 reports 를 예시로 드는건 좋지 않은데 결론에서 이렇게 나오는 에세이는 없습니다
Task1(180), Task2(280) 모두 글자수는 잘 맞추고 계시네요 그치만 논리적인 부분에선 전혀 좋지 않았습니다 단어 사용에 좀 더 유념해주시구요 서론 본론 결론에 어떤 내용을 써야 하는지 아직 확실히 그 구조들을 알고 계시진 못한 듯 싶습니다 Task1 으로 당분간 작성해주세요 아직 Task2 는 많이 이른 듯 싶습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 4 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.0 예상합니다
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