▶ Your Answer : As an increasing number of pupils have chosen to enter
the universities, the rules of university has been addressed over the world>>무슨 말이죠?.
While some people >> some 만 쓰진 말아주세요assert that the main purpose is positive job prospect after
graduating from universities for seeking a job with their degrees, I definitely agree with that the institution pave makes
the way for success to both individuals and society. >> individuals 와 society 를 비교할 수 있는 얘기가 없네요 예를 들면 앞에 while 구절에서 only for seeking a job 식으로 오직 직업을 구한다는 얘기의 개인적인 얘기 뿐 아니란 식으로 강조나 다른 식으로 비교가 있는게 더 효과적인 글쓰기라고 봅니다
To begin with, graduates from
universities can find high-paying jobs. This is because companies require
advanced degree and diverse >> advanced 에 더욱 어울려서 diverse 지워드렸습니다 skills such as foreign languages bilinguists or applicants who have
computer-associated qualifications to candidates in the twenty first century.
For instance, Sam Sung, a Korean global Korean company, limits the opportunities to the
applicants who finished high education. >> sets its academic requirements in applying, which describes the degree upper than bachelor's one. In addition, universities have gradually increased
gradually career-experience programs into their curriculum. These participating
programs are one of the reason why >> established for pupils who go to university despite of outrageously expensive tuition
fee. >> 비싼 학비에도 불구하고 대학에 가는 학생들을 위해 직업 체험 프로그램이 생겨난건 아닙니다 전 세계적으로 기본 상식적으로 통용되는 의미에서 오류가 생겼구요 In addition 부터 보시면 앞에 쓰던 것들과 다른 내용인걸 쉽게 알아차릴 수 있습니다 지워주시는게 맞습니다
However, there are
remarkable advantages of tertiary education for individuals and societies.
Firstly, the club activities and team based group assignments from high education
helps students to improve cooperative behavior and to enlarge social relationships
by sharing various ideas and performing the same task with team group members. Moreover,
the graduates contribute to gender equality. In south korea, the number of
females graduating from universities have increased, resulting in releasing the
inequality of gender in recruiting employees . >> 예시가 들어가지 않았네요 또한 moreover는 주장을 나타내는 것입니다 한 본문에 두 주장이 들어갈 수 없습니다
In conclusion, optimistic
job prospect can be one of the significant concerns in making a decision either
entering university or not. It is apparent that tertiary education would be of
benefit in individuals and societies.
글자수가 부족합니다 243자네요 또한 본론 구성에서 어려움이 있어 보였습니다 task1으로 전개에 좀 더 실력을 쌓아보시길 바라겠습니다
Task Achievement - 4 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6 5.5 예상합니다 |