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Nowadays, the average weight of people is rising and their levels of health and fitness are reducing. <(Can improve. 본론에 어떤 내용을 서술해주실건지 thesis statement으로 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) These days, we can purchase foods in markets and restaurant and even through online shopping very handy without direct hunting or farming. However, unfortunately, this situation has caused increase of overweight population rate and low level of their health. There are three main factors of modern health problems. Firstly, this time people today often eat fast food. The advantages of fast food is simple and cheap and tasty. Accordingly, fast food restaurants and products are loved by many a lot of people. Sadly, the consumption of fast food is directly linked with obesity. Secondly, modern people tend to not have enough time to take a sleep and sleep irregularly. According to various articles, lack of sleep is related to health problems and overweight. Thirdly, some experts argue our excessive working causes occur a physical problem through to us by suffer from severe stress. <(위 내용을 한나의 문단으로 정리를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 overweight/health problem 외에 fitness에 대해서도 서술을 해주시면 좋습니다) In order to solve these serious problems, we needs effort from both governments and individuals. In terms of government, they should make a restrain about fast food to for reduce the harmful food in many restaurants and food companies. Also, they have to start public advertisement about importance of physical fitness and a healthy food, and in school, they must teaching about how to can maintain a healthy body and educate how the much importance of a healthy diet and get a enough sleep. <(너무 많은 내용은 한문장으로 몰아쓰셨습니다. 내용을 조금 나눠서 쓰시는것을 추천합니다) When it comes to individuals, they must trying to exercise regularly have a diet such as a jump ropes and running by themselves. Furthermore, they ought to spend more time cooking healthy food than visiting fast food restaurants. <(이 두 문장은 위 문단과 한문단으로 정리를 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)
In conclusion, in the modern society, people suffer from overweight and lack of exercise due to the busy city life <(body에서 clearly언급된 내용이 아닙니다). Thus, both government and individuals should take consideration into of public heath in the long term to deal with serious health problems.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 질문에 대한 답은 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 정리가 잘 안되어있습니다. 문단 composition에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 문장구조와 표현에 조금더 신경을 써주시면 될것 같습니다. 이부분들은 글 안에 있는 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |