Today, a number of students decide to go to institutions of higher education after graduating high-school. It is often argued which side is better between studying specific subjects chosen by student’s values and from all students majoring promising subjects.<(little unclear) I agree that students studying what they want is more beneficial and appropriate. This essay will discuss both points of view before coming to a reasoned conclusion.
Many university students dive into their majors with a passion. Each subjects are improving by the students <(??) and affect various industries. <내용 연결이 잘 안되고 있습니다> I agree that they should study in diverse fields since all fields have potential and those can develop to be useful by passionate students. For instance, art was considered as to difficult to earn money and and unstable jobs. However, art developed the design industry that is useful in almost commercial areas.
On the other hand, some subjects are have incredibly huge potential in the future such as science and technology. Many universities tend to create the subjects related to those fields and to encourage students to study in these areas. <(why?) Although particularly subjects are popular in a job market, there could be no point, if the people don’t <(formal essay에서는 contraction을 안쓰시는게 좋습니다) work consistently and work without a passion. For example, a friend of mine gave up his job since it was not suitable for him although he graduated from a high ranked university with a popular major.
In conclusion, some people choose majors subjects chosen by their own values and others study promising subjects for getting a job more easily. However, since the future depends on people and what they do, it is more important each individuals study and work in the field fitted with each person in my opinion.
Score: 6
Comment: 잘 서술해주셨습니다. 다만 전체적으로 coherence와 clarity가 조금 낮기 때문에 왜 학생들이 원하는 수업/공부를 하게 해야하는지 그리고 왜 도움이 되는 특정한 수업을 들어야하는지의 괌점이 clear하게 들리지 않습니다. 내용 연결성에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 전체적으로 글정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 단어형태/어순 에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.