▶ Your Answer :
Space travel to the moon will soon be accessible to general public. Do you agree or disagree this statement? Nowadays, some people argue that space travel to the moon will soon be possible to the general public by our rapidly increasing to rocket technology. In my opinion, I am in disagreement with this statement. It is clear that, our technology study results show the that conclusion of incredible growth in the short times by vast effort and investment from some nations and creative and brave companies. Therefore, some people say our technology is almost ready for travel to in the moon and even other planets with ride general public <(???). And also, many people strongly believe it is easy and not impossible cause we live with many successful news about development of the rocket, and even, many interesting movies and novels of the SF <(incomplete clause/sentence). And also, all people usually know, humans already succeeded to walk on the moon in 1969. Nevertheless, I regard that we can’t<(formal essay에서는 contraction을 안쓰시는게 좋습니다) space travel to the moon at soon and that needs more long time for development and proof. Firstly, nations and companies still do not have enough proof that safety is guaranteed when traveling to the moon. study conclusion still not enough to proof of safe. Although, we have many successful results of the rocket and technology of space travel, we have a bad memories while few times examinations of express rocket <(???). There were even several deaths during space travel. even, few people die. Secondly, some governments and companies succeed success in recycle rocket. So some people say that price for travel space might become more and more cheap, so all of people can travel to of the moon easily. But, this opinion is hard to receive to normal people because cause<(very informal) even the price of travel to in the moon can be cheap rather than before time of success recycle the rocket <(???). That is still expensive to normal people persons. From by articles, we can know travel in the moon the price of space travel is about a billion pounds. It seems to be rather too expensive much higher to the general public. So, travelstill travel in the moon price expensive to normal people so we should wait more. Finally, travelling space of space in the moon needs practice and needs suitable body conditions, and usually, normal people have no time for practice and make a healthy body condition due to by busy life. So, it is possible to some people who can enough to qualification of travel of space in the moon.<(문장구조가 어색하며 무엇을 전달하고자 하는지 잘 모르겠습니다) Of course, it does is not mean all of people. There will be people who do not meet the requirements. some people must fail about this qualification. So we can say it is possible to all of people? I think we can’t.<(formal essay에서 질문을 물어보는 것은 추천하지 않습니다. ) Overall, although, we have great develop in technology of business of space travel, it is still needs more time for it to be ready for the general public for growing about develop for general public safe and ready.
Score: 4.5 Comment: 일단 내용 정리가 잘 안되어있습니다. 그렇기 때문에 흐름이 좋지 않습니다. 또한 내용이 too wordy 합니다. Wordy하지만 정리가 잘 안되어이있기 때문에 너무 explanatory한 부분도 있습니다. 내용을 조금 더 간략하게 정리를 하시고 coherence/clarity에 신경을 쓰면서 summarize하지는 것을 추천합니다. 또한 문법/문장구조/표혀에 너무 많이 틀리시고 계시기 때문에 의미 전달이 잘안되거나 어색하게 들리는 내용들이 많습니다. 문법과 문장구조에 신경을 조금 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 일반전인 sentence verb agreement 부터 단어형태에서도 틀리시고 계십니다. 그 외에는 formal한 표현 그리고 조금 더 다양한 표현에 쓰시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |