▶ Your Answer :
The number of people who visited three
London museums, namely; British, Science Museum and Natural History museum,
which is illustrated by the projected line graph. <(sentence fragment. main verb가 없는 문장입니다) Despite the fluctuations in the number of
visitors visiting the museums, British museum had the most visitors, which the number increased for 4 months while the rest of the museums received the similar
number of visitors at the end. <(little unclear) (그 four month period가 언제 부터 언제인지 specify해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다) Initially, people had the similar preferences
to visit the British and Natural History Museum, which have been visited by 600 and 500
people, respectively. This preference had favoured to British Museum by July as
about 750 people have visited while Natural History Museum received below 400
visitors. Concurrently, Science Museum had 400 visitors <(when?) and the number steadily
dropped to 300 in August, and during this time, British and Natural History museum
also had the lowest visitors. During this time, people visited less to all three museums in Museum
as a whole; even so eve that, British Museum had the most visitors (of nearly 500), while
the rest of museums received a the similar number of visitors (of nearly 400 <(false nearly 400 visitors는 National History Museum이고 Science Museum은 300이였습니다) ). By
the end of the period, people have visited the British Museum the most as it
recorded of 650 people while Natural History Museum and Science Museum had about 450 visitors. <(Natural History Museum은 Science Museum 보다는 입장객이 조금 더 있었습니다.)
Score: 6 Comment: 전체적으로 글 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Data specificity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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