▶ Your Answer :
The seeking for the happiness happy lifestyles is a very recent issues, because the terminology of happiness happy lifestyles have not been enlightened until the a recent century. Defining someone's happiness can be
difficult because everybody defines that terminology differently. Some people
may define happy as the materialistic possessions, while others might consider
spiritual happiness. In my opinion, I believe that, the happiness is derived
from the spiritual relaxation. Therefore, the countryside's living styles can
achieve the happiness a happy life because it does not have any factors that might
interrupt the person's peaceful state of mind.
Urban lifestyles seem very attractive since
all the convenient materials are available which improve the quality of a person's life. In the case of motor vehicles, people can commute easily and it can
enables them to travel at a long distances. Meanwhile, the faster internet
services would enable to grasp a wide range of information easily, and
individuals can be educated at any time. Therefore, many other man-made
inventions have improved the quality of city lives in overall. <(글쓴이는 countryside living styles를 선택을 해주셨기 때문에 굳이 urban living에 대한 좋은 점을 안써주셔도 됩니다. 오히려 좋은 점 보다는 단점을 써주시고 지방에서 사는 장점을 써주시는게 글쓴이의 주장을 더 support합니다)
In contrast, it cannot be denied that the urban
life is always stressful since there is are so much competition. In order to
remain the same quality of lifestyles, it is important to hold the competitive
edges that have frequently improved. Due to these competitive lifestyles,
people feel lesser happier happy than those from countrysides. At least country
people do not have any external pressures to be competitive or feeling worn out
from overworking. Therefore, it can be sure that the people from the
countryside achieve a happier lifestyle despite insufficient modernised
materials.
In conclusion, city people would get a lot
of stresses from various forces and factors in order to achieve the higher
standard of living by competing with others. The result of such life is bringing
the spiritually exhaustion. Therefore, the countryside lifestyle can be
achieved a happier lifestyles by being spiritually relaxed by not having without competition
and external pressures.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 글쓴이는 countryside lifestyle가 더 행복하게 한다 라고 해주셨는데 내용은 urban life style에 대해서 주로 설명을 해주셨습니다. 그 보다는 countryside에 대한 좋은 점을 서술 해주시는게 좋습니다. 문법상 표현/word form에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 특히 부사와 형용사 form에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 그 외에는 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |