▶ Your Answer :
Until the 15th century, the history subject was not
introduced to the first medieval institution governed by the Roman Catholic
Church, whereas other subjects (medicine, law, arts, maths and literature) had been introduced in 11th century. Therefore, the curriculum for such subject has not
settled yet for how the local and world included <(unclear). In my perspective,
segmenting the history subject is somewhat necessary but, whether it would be
mainly focus on the entire whole local history is questionable.<(질문에 대한 답이 clear하지 않습니다.)
By teaching local history to children, it could bring the
knowledge of in various areas such as geographical, social and political
involvement which can be based for human beings.<Need better coherence> Since the local history shows
the development of local government and local area's events, children may be
able to see the root of their heredity and this can be considered as the
fundamental duty for the citizens. <(Elaborate/need more development/ 2 문장 보다는 4~6문장으로 문단을 서술해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
In contrast, learning world history would be beneficial
for children to grab the historical events involving political, social and
geological knowledge to understand the whole picture of history. <(knowledge of geographical, social and political involvement를 알게 되는 것봐 historical events of political, social and geological knowledge는 큰 차이가 없어 보입니다. 결국엔 같은 이유로 world and local history를 배워야한다고 전달을 해주시는 것 같습니다) Some events were
occurred sequentially and in parallel, so it is important to ensure children
to be able to see the big picture of history by seeing the world events as well
as the local events.<(Need more development)
In conclusion, it can be the local history would be the
most important for the children's interest and for understanding the root of their family's history. However, learning the world history paralelled to the local
history would be considered as the optimum curriculum, because it can provide a the wider scope of historical views to children.<(이 내용이 introduction에서 조금 더 clear하면 좋을 것 같습니다)
Score: 6 Comment: 역사 과목을 나눠야한다는 것은 세계역사 보다 자기 나라의 역사를 가르키는것이 더 중요한지 아닌지에 대한 답을 전달 해주지는 않습니다. 조금 더 clarify 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 local history를 배워야하는 이유와 world history를 배워야하는 이유가 같아 보입니다. 다른 이유를 써주시서니 수정을 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 세계적인 역사는 local history와도 연관이 있다 라고 해주실수도 있고 Globalized 된 지금 시대에서는 world history도 많이 중요해서 같이 배우는게 좋다 라고 해주실수도 있습니다. 또한 Body 내용은 조금 더 elaborate/develop 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그리고 Two sentence paragraph 보다는 Four~six sentence paragraph가 더 좋고 complete 해보입니다. 문법상 문장구조/article use/전치사/에 신경을 써주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |