▶ Your Answer :
People live in
this world just only for one time. Many activities to do for make a precious life
such as travelling around the world, climbing, always studying to get title of
professor or just marrying with someone who one loves and having children. It is a called of happiness. It is a purpose of life in this world. (Need better transition)
I remember about the Pursuit
of Happiness film by actor Will Smith. He is always trying to sell that medical
machines to can buy some foods for his son. If the machine is sold, and his son can
eat everyday and go to can school, he is feels happy. But, for other people, having a
dream job or travelling around the world are can make them happy. Everyone has
different standards of what causes happiness things make happy in life. It is because cause<(very informal), happiness is
difficult to explain,. Why? because, happiness is a feeling. Feelings are is a subjective.
It means depending on a human. Everything is are possible to make someone feel happy. <(첫 번째 질문을 답해주시기 위해서는 이 내용에 대해서만 서술을 해주셔야합니다. 그 전 내용은 irrelevant하게 들립니다) (Need better transition)
Many factors are important to
achieve happiness. For example, for students, to get achievement in school is a
happiness,. because, students can show self actualization to for other students, and teachers and make parents proudly.<(sentence fragment. Because 사용에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다) For students who are study in college, getting an A
score for an examination and passing the study are things that make their life wonderful in life. The
last but not least, having much money and can helping a poor family are indicators to create happiness make happy. Moreover, many other elements are possible for someone to be happy. And many elements are possible someone has feel happy. The number of factors is infinite It is a size
infinity in our life.
To sum up, someone has a rightful authority to feel happy with what activities can do <(?). Of course, the
activities are not make aggrieved <(??) for other people.
Score: 5 Comment: 일단 첫 번째 질문을 잘 답해주고 있지 않습니다. 첫 번재 질문의 답보다는 다른 내용에 더 focus가 가있습니다. 그 외에는 문법상 틀리시는 곳이 너무 많고 informal하게 들리는 단어나 표현들도 많습니다. 영화의 제목의 경우 이름이기 때문에 대문자로 써주셔야하고 영화 제목이기 때문에 italicize 해주셔야합니다. Introduction에는 글쓴이의 주장이나 의견을 드러내기 위해서 I를 사용하는 것은 괜찮지만 body안에서는 I라는 단어를 최대한 안써주시는게 좋습니다. 또한 collocation/문장구조/word form/phrase form/plurality/formality/conjunction/sentence fragment/시제/punctuation에 틀리시고 계십니다. 이 부분들은 글 안에 있는 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 문법 연습을 조금 더 하시고 informality에 주의를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |