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In modern society, people have mixed opinions on what students should study in the university. Some assert that students should study subjects that will be useful in the future, such as those related to science and technology. Those can help students gain important information for their future lives and jobs. However, I strongly believe that studying whatever they like is more crucial for students. This essay will outline discuss both views and present potential solutions.<(문제가 아니기 때문에 solution을 주신다는 점은 조금 어색하게 들립니다) To begin with, some assert that students have to learn useful subjects. First of all, useful subjects offer chances to learn academic skills which positively affect to gain a job in the future. Not only that, students can study deeply about the science and technology fields as they only focusing on them. Through these kinds of study, students can have intelligence of specific fields. Having some useful professional knowledge is important these days. However, I strongly believe that studying what students are interested in is more crucial for students. First, they can gain much interest in studies while studying what they like. Through that, they would want to study deeper and can adapt well to their college study. Moreover, it does not mean that their majors do not mean it will decide their future jobs. This is because, they are still young. Thus, they need more experience to find what they are interested in. Through various experiences and studies, they can find out what they like as well as learn many fields they have not learned before. It can give students to have a broad view. <( 문장별 coherence/cohesion에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) Overall, some believe focusing on studying useful subjects is vital for their future carrier. However, having a broad view and experience through many fields of study education is indispensable. Thus, students should be encouraged to study whatever they like in university.
Score: 7 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 내용이 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 전체적으로 coherence/cohesion에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문장별 연결성이 잘 안되거나 약합니다. 문법상 silly mistakes/collocation/plurality/punctuation/에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 또한 더 다양한 표현/문장구조 를 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 세 번째 문단의 topic sentence는 introduction에서도 비슷하게 써주셨습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |