Nowadays many people become popular by being featured online or appearing on TV. Is it a positive or negative trend in our society? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your experience.
Due to advances in technologies, it is possible to enable ordinary people to upload a variety of personal’s video clips and pictures through Facebook, YouTube, and Instagram regardless of huge restraints. Regarding this, I strongly believe that it exerts negative effects on this contemporary society. This is because the contents are able to include significantly sensational matters to public, not to mention it invading one’s privacy.
Firstly, contents produced by individuals significantly tend to contain sensitive scenes such as obscene, violent, and especially dangerous information in order to attract more viewers on the Internet. In recent years, it has been significant fads that young adults for young adults to put themselves in an extreme risky situation and take video to become being popular online. For instance, I was definitely shocked with a particular one clip containing just a little child who was is climbing up on the wall of an apartment without any safety measures and proud of it. This obviously shows that younger generations have little ability to distinguish the right from wrong regarding safety and it could incite another child to follow it in risk. Furthermore, there is no clarified censorship of information or detailed regulations with this social media. Therefore, it is obvious that sources made by public without any regulations are definitely influenced harmful impacts not only on young adults but also society. (온점이 있고 없고도 점수에 다 들어가는 사항이므로 주의해주세요~)
Secondly, as a majority of people run their own channels through YouTube throng the Youtube nowadays, invasion of one’s privacy is increasingly becoming one of the most controversial issues that people like debating about. This is because once there are popular places such as restaurants, markets, and even travel attractions in public, another independent online creator or youtubers pursuit these places all together at once. Therefore, a large amount of people, who just visit the places to relax, are taken video and shown on the Internet without any permission. (이 부분은 문장 앞으로 보내주세요~충분히 영작 실력이 좋으신 만큼 제가 굳이 직접 바꿔드리지 않아도 혼자서 잘 바꾸실 수 있을 거라 생각되지만, 혹시나 모르시겠으면 댓글 주시면 도와드리겠습니다.) I also have one clip taken myself on the Internet and it simply keys in specific words, and then it pops up. (여기는 어떤 의미로 적어주셨나요?) Therefore, it is getting harder to keep individuals’ privacy because of the competition between these various social media channels with competiton. These creators tend to only focus on being well-known to gain profit rather than right of individual’s privacy.
In conclusion, featuring online in diverse ways gives rise to negative problems such as increase of the detrimental of contents for the young and bringing about difficulties in keeping one’s privacy with competitive shooting by creators in public.
총평: 6/6/6/5, 5.5
크게 두 가지 부분에서 문제가 되는데, 먼저 글에 오타가 꽤 많은 편입니다. 문장부호가 생략된 경우도 있었고, 철자 오류와 대소문자 구분에서의 문제 등이 보이므로 이러한 잔실수를 줄이는데에 어느정도 신경써주셔야 해요. 또한 현재 글은 너무 online 쪽에만 집중되어있는데, 논제에서는 TV 출연도 나와있으므로 이 사항도 같이 포괄할 수 있도록 글을 조금 수정해주셔야 합니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)