As society has advanced, a lot of countries suffered with population problems. A number of nations has bigger population of young adults than old individuals and I personally consider that the benefit of this phenomenon outweigh the negative sides.
First of all, young generations make most income in society than old generation. Young ages are one of the most active periods in people's life. They usually spend most time to earn money by using their labor, and the, they use their money to not only pay tax but also (여기에도 앞과 같이 적절한 동사가 들어가야 합니다.) their family including infant and old generations. By them to work and to consume their income the society is circulated economically. (여기는 어떤 의미로 적어주셨나요? 댓글 주시면 확인하고 수정해드리겠습니다.) Therefore, if the proportion of young adults is relatively high in a country, this circulation happens more rapidly and it affects the growth of the economy if there are younger adult, it takes this circulation fast and it affects growing economy.
In addition, young adults have the opportunity to born can contribute to increasing the birth rate children to keep a nation's population. As young adults are important labor, society needs new generation and young generation can deal with this. From this point of view, old generation is short of workforce and hard to born new children and need to be cared by younger people. Therefore, bigger population of youngsters is needed to manage those problems.
On the other hand, young generation need knowledges which old generation has learned by time. As old generation has lived longer more time than youngsters, they already have most experiences which young generations are suffered from. By this time, they have a different point of view and they already know how to deal with them. If there is lack of old generation, youngsters need to face troubles which they can get through easily with oldies (구어체의 대표적인 사례 중 하나이므로 꼭 수정해주세요~).
Overall, old generations can help young generations with their knowledges which they learn by time. However, most workforce is from youngsters and they have more opportunities to of regeneration, thus/so/therefore 등 the advantages of bigger population of young people outweigh the disadvantages.
총평: 6/5/5/4 5.0
내용상의 문제점으로는, 근거가 그렇게 구체적이지 못하다는 점이 있습니다. 본론 두 번째 문단을 예로 들면, 기성 세대가 가지고 있는 지식, 지혜 등에 대한 구체적인 사례를 들어주는 것도 충분히 가능하겠죠. 또한 문법상 생략된 성분이나 단어 등이 많은 편이었어서, 이게 빠지지 않도록 조금만 더 신경써주세요~수고하셨습니다 :)