International travel is becoming
cheaper, and countries are opening their doors to more and more tourists. Do
the advantages of increased tourism outweigh disadvantages?
As a myriad of air-plane companies have
emerged after the developments of cheaper materials that build up air-planes,
people can travel around the world with a small budget. However, that
phenomenon has two-perspective issues. In this essay, I will explain both sides
and give my opinion. (장 단점을 직접적으로 언급해주시고, 밑에서 질문과 관련해서 말씀드리겠지만, 이 글은 목적이 양쪽을 다 설명하는 것이 아니므로, 현 문단의 마지막 문장도 적절치 않습니다. 직접적으로 장단점 중 어느 쪽에 무게가 실리는지를 여기서 밝혀주세요~)
First of all, international tourisms can
financially help a handful of nations. Since such countries generally do not
have any profitable industries such as mobile, IT, or automobile, the tourism
sector in whole industries render the government sustain their economically
stable conditions. For example, even though Greece had a severe economic crisis
last a few decades ago, they could overcome due to the earning from
international tourists. If there were not cheaper flight tickets, many
foreigners would not have chosen Greece as a touristic place.
On the other hand, the trend of tourisms
with cheaper flight tickets and accommodations quickly ruin the environments,
unlike the past. The smaller the budgets to travel to other countries can be,
the more people want to discover un-spoilt and new places across the world.
Such desires encourage commercial companies such as internationally chained
hotel groups to build a large hotel or convenient facilities in the middle of
the mountains or near the ocean. Also, the government will construct hundreds
of roads reflecting upon the necessity of the tourists, which causes divisions
amongst wildlife animals. Such fragmented habitats accelerate the speed of
animal extinctions.
I believe that international tourisms’
disadvantages outweigh those of advantages because once nature is ruined, it is
hardly recovered. On the other hand, in terms of economic situations, the
nations can make their financial conditions better by other means such as
investing in human resources to boost their economy.
284자/ 28분
Comment
outweigh 유형은 처음 작성해보는데, 결론을 따로 짓지 않거나/ 나의 주장에 대한 구체적인 근거를 제시 하지 않아도 되는 건지 궁금합니다. 이번에는 근거를 구체적으로 적진 않았는데... 그렇게 진행해도 될까요? 만약 실전에서 쓰게 된다면 장점/단점 나열에 중점을 두어야 하나요? 아니면 outweigh의 이유에 더 할애해야 할까요?
p.s. 언제나 첨삭 감사드립니다!
총평 :7/6/7/8 (7.0)
잘 써주신 편이라 따로 글에 대해 말씀드리기보다는 윗 질문에 대해 답변드리겠습니다.
장점 단점 나열에 절대로 중점을 두어서는 안 되고, 말 그대로 outweigh 의 이유에 대해 할애해주시면 됩니다. 초록색 부분이 이에 해당하는데, 저걸 본론2 에서 어느정도 보일 수 있어야 해요. 제가 최근에는 타 업무로 바빠서 시간을 내지 못하고 있지만, 나중에 여유가 생기면 비법노트나 자유게시판에 outweigh 관련 정확한 대처법을 작성해서 올릴텐데, 그때 한번 참고해주세요~수고하셨습니다 :)