It is a fact that education plays important role in providing children for thier(their) future, and more and more people become interested in it as a result of industrial development. However, it has become whether or not most children start to study their formal education at a very early age(?).
밑줄 친 윗 문장을 아래와 같이 정정하겠습니다.
>However, it is debatable whether educating children at an early age is beneficial or not.
Some support(보다는> argue) that the early study schoolI(삭제) will bring many avdantages for choldren(children) in the future, whereas others think there might be some disadvantages of with the idea. This essay will discuss both sides of issue and my position will be presented(보다는 문맥상 'present my own view'가 더 알맞습니다) in the conclusion part(불필요).
From the one side of coin, early study school brings many advantages to children, First of all, it is true that a child can be better prepared to get high marks in school record. This is because they can spend more time studying what they will learn in school.(full stop!) Therefore the children who study earlier than others will get high record scores in the future. Second of all(불필요), student will learn with more interestet(interest) and in detail(전체 문장 정정> student will study in detail or minutely with more interest). For instance, If children go on to next stage of education they can reduce the studying hours because they already have accumulated a store of knowledge when they were young.
From the other side of coin, there are strong arguments which do not support the idea. Spending most of their children's time on playing is as they wish can help them build up thier charater(characters). That is, is(중복) is essential for children to experience a variety of social relationships such as fellowship and leadship(leadership).
To sum up, after looking at the both sides, I think that children should spend most of their time to studying because it is essential for children to have a good base of knowledge for the future life.
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