▶ Your Answer :To bring children up >> bring up children 가운데 들어가는 것도 좋지만 보통 대명사 등이 들어가는게 깔끔해서 바꿔드려봤습니다 is one of the most crucial issues>> one of the (최상급) 복수명사 기억해주세요 in society. Some people>> some 만 쓰지 말아주세요 assert parents are more important than educational institutions. Meanwhile, others say school is more suitable place to teach how to become better people in community for children. I think>> I think 보단 in my opinion 식으로 구성해주시는 것이 더욱 좋습니다 the latter one is more appropriate for this issue.
Surely, parents are the first people whom children meet from their birth, and >> also 만 써도 가능하긴 하지만 and를 넣어서 더욱 부드럽게 해줄 수 있을 듯 싶습니다 also mother and father they are the first teacher of their children>> 앞에 썼으므로 son/daughter 가 좋겠네요. They teach fundamental things in society like >> such as 가 아카데믹에선 더 좋습니다 what is the polite behavior and how to act in particular situation. In addition, offsprings have a tendancy to follow their parents' behavior without the ability which distinguishes between right and wrong >> a notion of what is right or wrong. Therefore, parents play the most significant role in raising children to become a good person.
Commonly, children are stay in school longer than stay at home. During that time, children cannot>> cannot은 붙여주세요 only meet various peers and teachers, but also be educated basical etiquette more than education than be at home. In other words, children can learn social interactions >> 불가산입니다 and social skills, while they are spanding time with their friends and teachers in school. Morever, teachers would teach subject like >> such as Physical Education and Art which are hardly learnt in home. Consequently, children may still be obtained still more things in school than in home.>> obtain은 맞지 않은 듯 싶네요
Judging from these reasons, despite of >> in spite of 가 of가 붙습니다 the parents' power of education, I am convinced that There are no places to educate better than school. which It >> 너무 길어서 끊었습니다 could develop children's social interactions and social skills through peer groups and teachers.
peer teacher 등의 한정적인 범위와 단어들이 사용되네요 어휘력도 낮아보이게 됩니다 같은 것들만 반복을 해서 그래머에서 오류가 많습니다 고쳐주시길 바라구요 전치사 구두점 등의 사용에 주의해주시고 가산 불가산 관사 등도 봐주세요 Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5 5.5 예상합니다 |