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Education, the process of training>> what kind of traing?, teaching, >> 세개 이상 나열 중 마지막 and/or 앞엔 콤마입니다 and learning, is necessary in our society. As a matter of fact, some rpeople believe that a formal university education is necessary to achieve someone's goal. I completely disagree with this assertion argument because there are other factors to succeed >> 어떤 factors ? 라는 의문을 남기면 안 됩니다 it is not the only way to succeed in life.
First of all, from a personal standpoint, success comes from personal concern, depending on what they want to do. Needless to say, creativity and outlook on life can be the basis of success. For instance, successful people such as Bill Gates and Steve Jobs did not graduate from university. However, they accomplished their work and left behind remarkable technological achievements in the world. Thherefore, we can see that success is depending on the person's character.
As far as an empirical aspect is concerned, success comes in steps. >> Secondly, experience teaches us valid lessons >> 어떤 valid lessons 죠?. That gives us the idea that people who have a lot of experiences and know how to deal with problems. Apparently, a person who can judge the a right thing among a lot of problems can succeed. For example, We know that Thomas Alva Edison, who is a historical inventor, experienced many failures. Therefore, enough experiencces make a way to succeed. Then again, in modern society, people judge others by educational attainment. This means that nearly all people think that having a certification for finishing college university degree is necessary to get a job. Needless to say, when applicants present their resumes to a company, the employer almost decides whom to employ recruit based on who graduated from f famous university how prestigious universities have they graduated from. This means that finishing formanl university is a means of getting a job >> 앞에 얘기와 반복입니다. Thus, learning in the formal university is necessary to succeed in our society.
In conclusion, in some instances, studying in a formal university formal college training is critical to succeed in seeking a job. However, I think that personal's a viewpoint to life and an experience are more essential to succeed. After all, some thrries>>?? theories 말하는건가요? theory 라고 지칭할 만한 것이 없습니다 cannot >> 한 단어입니다 always solve a lot of problems.
스펠링, 문법적 실수가 꽤 있습니다 단어가 중복되는 부분도 있고 단어들이 고급 어휘가 대체로 쓰이지 않았습니다 좀 더 살펴봐주시고 Then agian 부분은 위에 본론들에서 하던 얘기와는 방향이 다릅니다 한 방향으로 작성해야 글이 통일성이 있습니다 저 부분 빼고 본론들 내용 보충하는게 더욱 좋을 듯 싶네요 문장 구조가 쉽고 비슷한 것들만 쓰였습니다 if 나 수동태 같은 것들도 써보는게 좋습니다
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다
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