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There are different views whether or not building many sports facilities could be helpful to enhance people's health. While Although there are some advantages, I believe that another measure should also be taken.
To begin with, some people argue that many sports facilities have several benefits. Firstly, a number of people can have access to exercise more aggressively nearby their homes without traveling to look for such facilities. If there are few facilities such as gym, swimming pool in the city, working out could not be popular among the public. Secondly, sports facilities which are run by city hall would benefit much more people regardless of their incomes. It means that they might need not to pay much money for using the facilities.>> 한 본문엔 하나의 주장만 넣어주세요 secondly 나올 자리에 for example 해주세요
On the other hand, I would be against the opinion that increasing the increasing number of health facilities will make people's healthy much healthier. It is because, apart from such a regular training, proper diet campaign should be taken by the government to encourage them to take balanced nutrients. Nowadays, For instance, people tend to eat more spicy, salty, and greasy food. For example, it is true that people in modern society prefer to eat more spicy, salty, and greasy food such as have fast food or pre- prepared food as a meal when they are stuck at workplace. Furthermore, people are increasingly keen on drinking plenty of coffee and enjoying desserts containing both much sugar and butter in their lives. Also,>> also so and or but은 문두에 쓰지 않습니다 general food companies and food manufactures try to contain more stimulants in food to attract lots of people. >> furthermore는 추가 주장을 나타내는 말입니다 지워주세요
For these reasons above, I believe that a suitable measure to improve people's health should be taken. In other words, there should be a policy to raise the awareness regarding well- balanced diet which could have a distinctive effect on.
각 문단 첫 시작 한 칸 띄고 시작해주세요 아직 본문 구성이 서투른 듯 싶습니다 한 본문엔 하나의 주장을 써주세요 두개가 나올 수가 없습니다 주장이 다르면 문단이 나눠져야 하니까요 문단은 쓰신 대로 4개가 좋구요
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다 |