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Nowadays, >> 문두에 부사가 나오면 뒤에 콤마 붙입니다 there is an argument on whether students should take a university education or not. While some people think that they should take a path the higher course by their own decisions, others believe that taking a university course it can be a way to make better lives. Personally, I strongly believe that it depends on what students have thought for their future careers.>> 서론에선 본인이 위에 나타난 두 의견 중 하나를 지지한다는 정도만 밝히고 본론에서 다뤄주세요 이건 본론에서 주장으로 구성할 수 있습니다
To begin with, In some countries, there is a limitation to obtain jobs for people who do not graduate from university. This phenomenon, however, >> 서론에서 부정적일 결과를 낳아서 반대하는 의견에 동조한단 말을 하고 본론에서 졸업을 못하는 사태를 낳는다 이렇게 단언적으로 주장해주세요 makes parents their children >> makes parents their children 은 무슨 말인가요? have to go to university, and some universities are turned into profit-minded oriented companies as similar to other big companies in a big city. Although taking a university course is a way to have more opportunities to take an occupation than not graduating from university, the cost of a university education has gradually increased, and university courses have been changed to become worthless. Therefore, we need to rethink that a university course can have an impact on living our lives as an essential role.
In many European countries, governments encourage young people to choose their own ways by themselves because they need to know the choice has the responsibilities for taking it. Whether the young go to university or not is their own choices. Whether they begin their work aged 18 or not is also their responsibilities, which they should take. When a young student started to work in a workplace, this person can have more possibilities to train specific skills and to have an experience, which is clearly related to the task. Obtaining and developing their own skills can be one of powerful benefits for their future careers, and after leaving the first workplace, they can begin their own businesses through their experiences and well trained skills. Therefore, people should change their awareness of a university education.
In conclusion, while many companies require the graduation of the university to recruit new employee candidates, the cost of attending university is not cheap and it makes many families economically hard. Therefore, it is not all positive ways to take a university course. (344 words)
이것도 아랫글도 긴 편이네요~ 70자 정도 줄여주세요 우선 첨삭을 해드리는 것보단 코멘트를 해드리는게 좀 더 유익하겠다 싶어서 코멘트로 대체해드리겠습니다 현재 Task2 를 구성하는 법을 모르시는 듯 합니다
각 단락을 구성할 땐 부사로 표시가 와야 합니다 첫 본문엔 Firstly 나 To begin with , 둘째 본문엔 What is more, Besides, Moreover, Furthermore, On the other hand 등의 말로 표현이 와야 합니다 주장-설명-예시의 형태로 글을 진행하게 되구요 주장은 남의 눈치를 살피며 이런 식으로 알려져있다 혹은 많은 나라에선 이렇게 한다가 아닌 '이렇게 해야 한다' 라고 주장을 하고 그 설명에 많은 나라에선 이런 식으로 하고 있다 이렇게 진행하셔야 합니다 현재 글을 쓰신건 단락을 나눠놨지만 부사로 표시가 안 돼 있기에 같은 맥락으로 동조하는 본문을 썼나 혹은 다른 반대되는 본문을 쓰는건가에 대한 파악이 늦어집니다 독자가 읽기 쉽고 이해하기 쉽게 작성하는게 좋고 본문에선 하나의 의견만 있는게 좋습니다 지금 보시면 본문 1에선 졸업에 한계가 있다, 대학 코스 비용, 이익집단 등 너무 다양한 얘기가 나옵니다 그래서 글을 읽으면 난해하구요
다른 분들 글 쓰는거 어떻게 쓰나 참고하시고 Task1 부터 작성해보시길 바랍니다 |