▶ Your Answer :
With the development of technology, various changes and phenomenal growths have appeared in modern industrial society. These changes and phenomena have constantly created several controversial issues which are closely associated with developing high-technology industries such as computer, and smart-phone. One of the issues is whether governments concentrate as much budget as possible on developing or buying these frontier technologies is more important than spending money for fundamental needs or not. Although some people may argue that this process provokes the gap between not only the rich and the poor but also elder the elderly and younger the young generation, I strongly believe that people’s convenient life and financial development with developing technologies should be prioritized above all other matters.
First of all, I believe that people are able to enjoy their comfortable life by developing computer technology. The reason behind my opinion lies in the fact that diverse electronic devices are invented using by computer technology such as electric home appliances. For instance, people can change the channel of television or radio by using a remote-controller without any moving. Moreover, people can talk with their friends through computer and the Internet network service, even if they are living the opposite region of the earth. >> moreover는 주장을 나타내는 부사입니다 쓰지 말아주세요 According to research paper at University of Nevada in 2005, over 60 percent of people in today answered that their living was more convenient compared with 1995, and almost 40 percent of them answered the highest reason was computer technology development. >> 다른 예시를 두개나 들 필욘 없습니다 In addition, work proficiency has become higher than ever before. These changes and growths are definitely relative with the development of technology. In this sense, it is not only physical but also psychological comfort from the development of high-technologies. >> In addition 역시 주장을 나타내는 부사입니다 한 본문엔 하나의 의견만 넣어주세요 현재 본문에만 세개의 주장과 두개의 예시가 들어갔네요
Furthermore, another reason why I advocate my opinion is that the burden of national debts becomes decline lowered. This means that as we can see, the governments cannot make money as well as their government bonds become higher without any exportation. Specifically, most of advanced countries have developed their own technologies and have exported the products from it. For example, Korean IT companies have made great progress in computer technologies, boosting national finance. Moreover, Korea was able to join the league of advanced economies during minor period. In this regard, considering the advanced countries, it is obvious way to spend national budget for developing the industries of high technology, especially related with computer. >> 역시 moreover네요 위와 마찬가지입니다
From my own perspective, without a doubt, I firmly believe that governments should weigh more attention to developing or buying technologies. The underlying logic behind this is that this decision not only provides people live with a better life but also contributes the economic development of countries.
역시 첨삭보단 코멘트가 낫겠다 싶어서 코멘트 해드립니다
문제점이 많이 보입니다 우선 서론이 심각하게 깁니다 서론과 결론의 분량이 비슷한게 좋습니다 그리고 본론1에는 물론 지울 부분이 훨씬 많지만 현재 쓰신 길이로는 165자 입니다 본문1에만 Task1 하나가 들어간 꼴입니다 약 440자 정도로 책정이 되는데 440자 쓰고 Task1까지 거의 600자 정도를 한시간 안에 쓰실 수 있냐고 물어본다면 전 불가능이라고 말씀드리고 싶네요 Task2에서 글자수를 250자 조금 넘게 글을 마치는 것도 실력입니다 그만큼 본인의 생각을 필요한 것만 필요한 정도로만 짚어냈단 뜻입니다 그만큼 논리가 잘 잡히고 본인이 말하고자 하는 바를 말했단 뜻입니다 다른 분들 글 보면서 어떻게 작문했고 제가 어떤 부분을 비판했는지 봐주시길 바랍니다 그래도 단어 사용은 괜찮아 보입니다 되도록 이 내용에서 제가 지적해드린 부분을 토대로 재작성해보시길 바랍니다 270자 까지 줄여봐주세요 |