▶ Your Answer :
In contemporary society, it is common to see advertisements which include too provocative scenes or catchphrases. Although companies argue that it is an inevitable choice for the proposal purpose of selling/merchandising, some parents assert that children can be seriously affected by such trend in the advertisements. I believe that there are a certain(certain 자체가 여러개 라는 뜻임으로 앞에 a라고 해주시면 안됩니다) detrimental effects due to inappropriate advertisements for children(아이를 위해서 만든 광고가 적합하지않다라고 들려요. 이 뜻을 말씀하시는게 아니시면 바꾸셔야합니다). Both views will be further discussed below as well as in-depth of my personal opinion in-depth regarding this issue. (저는 이런 이야기를 할거에요 보다 이러한 의견들이 있는데 제 의견은 이렇습니다 라고 하는게 더 좋아요. 어차피 reader는 이 에세이 introduction 보고 무슨 내용이 나올지 이미 짐작이 가게 되어있어요. )
적합하지않는 transition이고 이 phrase를 쓰지는 않습니다. 한국식 표현을 쓰신거같아요>On the one hand, The importance of advertisement has been emphasized in the market industry. Many companies have often used the stimulative advertisement to appeal their selling point of its their products or services. In fact, it(what is it?) has shown that once the advertisement successfully approaches to the target audiences associated with their marketing strategy, they benefit from the greater sales in return. Therefore, there is no doubt that such advertisement can be very useful and crucial for companies to maximize their selling as they imprint their products or services to a potential customers by with strong images or copy in commercial.
On the other hand, parents have concerns about severe impacts on their children who can easily be exposed to those advertisements. This is because the advertisements sometimes contained too much of violence or sexual expression, which can be harmful to a children. As the nature of advertisement is to make their products appealing to be beautiful and attractive, for example, [it can be glamorized any violent or exaggerated sexual advertisement]<(does not make sense 무슨 뜻인 모르겠어요 rephrase 나 rewrite가 필요합니다). By giving this wrong ideas to a children, it can causes other side effects not only at home or school but also in society.
In conclusion, although the aim of advertisement is to pursue people's consumption, companies should carefully approach when they publish an advertisement in public because due to problems may arise among children.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 전체적으로 잘 쓰셨고 내용도 좋으세요. 다만 자기 의견이 크게 반영되어 보이지않아요. 문법 조심해주세요. Singular/plural, subject verb agreement 많이 틀리십니다. 그외엔 빨간 글씨로 쓰여진 코멘트 확인해주세요. |