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Thesedays(Spelling은 These days이고 informal 한 표현이에요) Today, local and national festivals are held frequently to make raise money/ create revenue. Some assert that this the money earned by these occasions has to be used for the poor.
(뛰어 쓰시면 안되요). I do not agree with this idea. (조금더 elaborate 하시면 좋을거같아요. 조금 too simple 하다는 느낌이 들어요)
In our society, there are many other parts(what parts?) waiting for the investment. Among them, the educational section is a priority(prior의 뜻은 그 전 이라는 뜻이에요). Many children want to learn more and are waiting for helps from outside of school because since they are suffering from financial problems. When they are provided receive(environment를 receive한다는 표현을 쓰지않아요) proper environment to study, we expect not only for them to have a their better future but also a better our tomorrow for us. For instance, according to the a research by MBC(한국 사람이 읽으면 MBC가 정확히 뭔지 아는데 외국 사람이라면 이게 무슨 기관인지 회사인지 모를거에요. 그렇기 때문에 좀더 풀어서 방속국이라고 해주시면 더 좋을거같아요) in Korea, students were given chances by the government to study continuously tend to and contribute to the their community and the nation. This shows when the revenue is used properly, not for only the poor, we expect see much better results.
Furthermore, we cannot discount the fact that general facilities are more valuable for normal people <(사람들을 normal라고 표현하기엔 적합하지않고 얘매한 표현입니다) . Even though helping the poor is a good idea, general investment guarantee
the people's satisfaction. If you have a beautiful park around your house, imagine how happy you and your children will be are. By spending budgets on most people, both some who pay more tax and some who never don't pay tax are satisfied through universal welfare.
We always have to consider the that tax is gained by all the people. This means this revenue should be is invested to everyone equally and willingly.
To sum up, nowadays the revenue is a big issue among local and central government nowadays, and the money through from promotions is sometimes is invested for the poor. Nevertheless, when this revenue is invested for the general( general what?) and education, that is the best way to make both(what both?) happy.
Score: 5 Comment: 스펠링 조심해주세요. Clarity가 떨어지는 에세이입니다. 설명이나 내용이 덜 전달된느낌이에요. Research이라고 예시를 쓰셨지면 그 결과가 무엇이고 견론은 뭔지 모르겠습니다. 두번째 근거에서 세금 내는 자 와 안내는 자를 쓰신것도 조금 갑자기 나온 내용같아요. 그 외엔 빨간색으로 코멘트 써드린걸 봐주시면 될거같아요.
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