▶ Your Answer : Nowadays, people generally believe the aim of schools is to focus on academic classes. Therefore, non-academic subjects like music and physical activity education should be regulated in the elementary school. I do not agree with this idea. <(주장이 unclear합니다. 사람들을 학교는 academic class에 집중한다. 그렇기 때문에 음악이나 체육 수업은 초등학교에서 규제해야한다. 나는 이 의견에 반대한다 라고 말씀중이세요. )
If there are alternatives not to not stop musical and physical subjects, we have to find the ways(what ways??) willingly. Firstly, we can consider diminishing(시간을 diminish 할수는 없어요) reducing the non academic class time from twice a week to once a week. Likewise, by reducing the times, schools can use the extra given time on math and languages. Secondly, the first thing we have to remember is that sports and music are also parts of education the where elementary school pupils can learn crucial knowledge through. <(need to connected)> Accumulating knowledge should not be the only goal when we teach the young but we should also think about balance of education. <(전 문장이랑 반대로 이야하시는 중이에요. 음악과 스포트도 knowledge를 배우는데 도움이 되지만 knowledge가 아이들을 가르킬때 제일 중요한게 아니라고 뜻 이 전달되서 헷갈립니다)
Also, There is a proverb that says " sound mind, sound body". This saying means says that to study better and longer, both body and spirit have to cooperate together. Without a strong body and mind, studying hard and for a long time is impossible because they loose their balance to focus. For this reason, they one will be easily puzzled. In this case, sports for a strong body, and music for releasing stress can be solutions to help them. According to the an article by BBC, students who exercise regularly tend to focus more on the in class and get better scores compared with those who do not.
To sum up, despite the importance of academic courses in the elementary schools, we should not quit cut the none academic classes due to the reasons mentioned above.
Score: 5 Comment: 주장이 불확실한 에세입니다. 말씀하시는 내용도 헷갈리고요. 아무래도 표현 선택이 잘못되어서 그런거 같아요. 단어나 표현 선택을 조심해주세요. 스펠링이나 capitalization 꼭 조심해주세요.
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