▶ Your Answer :
Some genetic
researches illustrate that the inherent propensity in a man is the most
conclusive factor in the formation of his personality. On the other hand,
naysayers insist that the experience has the greatest effect on the development
of mentality. Personally, I think that the experience we might may have in the
process of interacting with others and circumstance plays the most critical
role in our character building. In this essay, I will discuss on the both sides
and illuminate my viewpoint on the issue.
In general, people
have a false impression onthat the genes inborn in a man that they are
unchangeable. However, they also are also strongly influenced by the environment and
interaction with others. According to the evolution theory, genes can be easily
changed by nature natural selection and a need for survival. In this sense, the innate nature of mankind is
the dynamic being adjusted to diverse situations. In other words, the argument
that innate characteristics are the major element in our personality does not
make sense, because as can be seen above, men are flexible being depending on
the condition in which they are placed.
First of all, humankind
has learned a massive amount of virtues contrary to our nature through
meaningful experiences. [In particular, altruism is opposite to our connate
nature like selfishness, but men realized from several experiences that
selfishness will destroy all of us in the future and they have to help each
other and cooperate to survive from harsh environments, Sometime sacrifice is
needed to make better living.]<(overloaded sentences.) Accordingly, it is evident from the example that selfish
human has turned into cooperative and altruistic existence by learning from
multifarious experiences.<(???문장이 헷갈리게 들립니다)
Finally, it can be
concluded that a man is mainly formed by his experiences and the interaction
with diverse phenomena, even though the influence of characteristics we are
born with cannot be totally ignored. Furthermore, I firmly believe that values
necessary for men and our planet’s future can be fortified by empirical
education and learning and they will contribute to making better world.
Score: 5 Comment: 몇몇 틀린 문법이나 스펠링이나 어색한 부분들 빼고는 글은 잘 쓰신거 같아요. 다만 내용이 틀렸습니다. 사람이 태어나서 가진 genes는 아직은 alter할수있는 부분이 아니에요. 물론 실험을 통해서 가능하다는 기사는 있지만 일반화가 되지않았고 그럴려면 아직 멀었습니다. 그리고 질문은 genes가 아니라 characteristics을 이야기하고 있어요. 물론 연관성은 있지만 genes으로만 글을 쓰기엔 부족합니다. 그리고 natural selection 이랑 survival for the fittest 도 적합하지않아요. Evolution theory는 사람의 성격 보다는 보여지는 쪽으로 더 기울려져있어요. 그리고 사람은 natural selection으로 flexible한 존재는 아닐거에요. natural selection 자체는 몇백년이 걸리면서 바뀌는 theory입니다. 그리고 natural selection and survival for the fittest는 reproduction과 관련이 더 큽니다.
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