▶ Your Answer :
When it comes to considering the influence of eating fast food, there is a growing debate on whether it is good for our health or not. Although eating this fast food has some merits in saving eating time and is cheaper than other food, I strongly agree with this statement (which statement? 지금으로선 패스트푸드는 좋다도 주장하고 계십니다). <(질문의 내용을 패스트푸드가 좋지않는 영향에 대해서 찬성하냐 반대하냐입니다. 그렇기때문에 introduction를 positive보단 negative view로 시작하고 거기에 대해서 주장을 펄치시는게 좋습니다. 그렇지 않으면 reader가 패스트푸드가 안좋다는 것에 대해 반대한다라고 생각을 할 것 같습니다.)
As the number of eating convenience food or pre-prepared meals increases, there are some negative effects on health. The worst thing among most persons people/individuals in Korea is an obesity. (문장을 because로 시작하는건 좋지 않습니다) Because of this, many people are suffering from fat diseases such as digestion disorders, and aches in legs and backbones. If eating habits does not change into traditional food, they people are less likely to avoid getting involved in problems associated to with obesity. Not only this, the earlier children eat and like fast food, the more possible possibility they have a tendency to be obese fat.
Our society is forced to spend much money on treating obesity's diseases and changing recognition(??). Fast food is not a good thing to eat in the world.<(이 두 문장을 콤마로 연결해주시는게 좋습니다)>Because it has not good nutrients compared to slow food. So it makes people unhealthy. Therefore governments are forced to pay for an amount of money to deal with fat diseases.<(?문장의 의미를 이해하지 못하겠습니다) It can also be a big burden for taxpayers to support this area. In addition, this problem is more likely to reduce our productivity owing to the shortfall of economically active people in special fields such as construction sites. Most of materials cannot be supported in heavy weight under construction.<???)
For thess reasons mentioned above, I totally agree with the opinion because of some negative effects on fast food we sometimes eat.<(자기 주장을 restate 하기만 하면 좋은 conclusion이 아닙니다. 전제척으로 에세이에 쓰신내용을 summarize하고 마무리하는 내용들로 conclusion을 작성하셔야합니다)
Score: 5 Comment: Coherence가 조금 떨어 지는 에세이입니다. 또한 에세이는 negative impact를 준다고 이야기만 하고있지 그것을 서포트를 하고있지는 않습니다. 즉 why라는 질문은 대답을 해주고있지 않는 것 같습니다. 조금더 예시를 이야기하면서 쓰시면 더 좋은 글이 될것 같습니다. 표현들 또한 formality가 낮습니다. 조금더 formal한 표현들을 공부하시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
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