▶ Your Answer : Today, we can see many celebrities including politicians, entertainers, popular music singers, and so on (정말로 눈으로 직접 볼수있다고 말하는 늬앙스가 있습니다.). Many young people watch TV everyday and exuberant(동사가 아닙니다. 동사가 아니라 형용사로 사용하셨다면 어순을 수정하셔야합니다) in their appearance, action, speech, or even fashion. Athletes are one of them. Young people want to be like them. Some people think that they are role models, but others don't.
A role model is someone you admire. Like I said before, if you decide that person is a role model<(앞서 얘기된 내용이 아닙니다), you try to imitate almost all about of him or her. This fact contains a positive and negative view. Those who believe that athletes make good role models for young people say that their position is very important not only in sports but also in the society. At First, they are shown at the special physical events like Olympics or World Cup. Most people cheer up their game scene and praise about their training processing. Their touching story is also found in newspapers. To young people, these kind of news can change their lives. (문장을 because으로 시작하는건 좋지 않습니다)> Because physical activitiesy and studying have has something in common (뭐가 common한지 말씁해주시면 좋을것같아요. 모든사람이 운동과 공부가 관련되어있거나 비슷한 상황을 가져올거가라고 생각을 하진않을것같습니다), young people can add apply their situation on athletes' situation and make a wish for succeed success or passing an the exam.
In the contrary, there is are negative views for athletes as role models. Athletes are public figures. If their daily life is going well, it(what is it?) has no problem. (저번에 말씀 드렸듯이 conjunction으로 문장을 시작하는 건 좋지 않습니다) But if they do something wrong, their fame will be go down and they can be dismissed out-coming<(이 상황에 맞지않은 표현입니다) both in sports and society. Young people tend to be influenced by their parents, teachers, and public figures. Negative fame can make them(who is them) to be depressed and disappointing. To young people, a role model is everything in their lives. But they don't realize that no one is perfect and there is nobody who they can trust and lean on in this world. And if the negative thing is related to the money and gathering the wealth, young people might think that money is the best and greatest thing in this world.
I think that having a role model stimulates stimulants(동사가 아닌 단어입니다) young people's thought and mind. Even though every fact has double-sidesdness, I want to give starts(??) on positive views. Young people must learn positive things like passion, patience, courage, challenge, and adventurous mind from athletes. Sometimes their action would not be acceptable, but young people must try to give a expectancy and (identify their life to athletes)<자신의 인생을 선수들한테 알아보게해야한다는 의미를 가지고있습니다) because people learn their life by observing other people's appearance or doing.
Comment: singular/plural agreement 조심해주세요. 단어 선택에 따라 문장이 의미가 많이 달라질수있습니다. 글쓴이가 전달하고자하는게 잘 됬는지 꼭 단어를, 특히 동사를, 확인 해보시면 좋을것같습니다. 세 번째 단락에서는 사람들이 왜 athlete들이 좋은 role model가 아닌지 잘 대답해주고있지않습니다. 오히려 롤 모델로 삼으면서 나쁜일이 일어날수있다라고 만 말씀해주시고 있습니다. 생각을 조금더 정리하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. |
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