Topic: Some people think that amount of noise people make have to be controlled strictly. Others say that people are free to make as musc as they wish. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
I think that we need a rule in society to live together. Some people want to silent and peace, but others want to noise. What can we do? <(이미 이 에세이는 글쓴이가 질문을 답해주는 것이기 때문에 질문을 또하는 것은 추천하지 않습니다. 또한 formal essay에는 질문을 하지 않습니다) (Need improvement/better introduction. 내용에 대해 먼저 서술을 해주신뒤 글쓴이의 주장을 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다.)
First of all, we make have to be controlled strictly. Of course, we have to respect life of each other's. If we see it from realitics view, we already live in a society with law. Why are we human? As you know, we have got intelligence and that can be refrained by ourselves. So, it is that we are a human.<(?????) We never can never live without people who like family and friends. Secondly, freedom is just freedom. Anyone can think freely as they want and that can speak their opinions freely. All of people can do that, in order to think or to speak opinion. However, we don't give a damage to people for freedom. As I said before, we have to respect each other. <(무엇을 전달하고자 하는지 모르겠습니다. 문장별 내용이 연결이 되지 않으면 무엇을 말하고싶으신지 잘 전달이 안되고 있습니다. Needs to be more developed)
Therefore, we will try to respect each other, and that have to make a law strictly and specific ???. If everyone understands one another, we do not need to discuss it<(what is it?) anymore.
Score: 2
Comment: Needs more development and improvement with sentence structure and composition. 에세이 형식을 쓰는 연습을 더 하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 연결성이 많이 부족합니다. 글의 흐름이 매끄럽게 흐르지 않고 여러 내용들오 점프 하는 것 같습니다. 또한 irrelevant해 보이기도 합니다. 질문은 discuss both views 이기 때문에 글쓴이의 주장 외에 두 관점에서의 내용을 서술 해주셔야합니다. 주로 sample essays를 읽으면서 공부를 하시면 도움이 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.