▶ Your Answer : Public health will has became worse in these days for from various reasons. Some people believe that the governments should build more sports facilities to improve public health. whereas, others believe that sports facilities is not effective to people's health. In the following paragraphs, I will discuss both above opinions and state my personal view.
Some people argue that the most effective way to improve public heath can be that the governments should build more sports facilities. From their point of view, in modern society, almost jobs caused a sedentary life style to people. Due to this, a lack of physical activities can occur. Because of task jobs, It can be occured a lack of psycical activities. These life style could caused various diseases such as obesity and diabetes. Moreover, Sports facilities will helpful to nation's health. <(흐름의 focus가 중간에 바꼈습니다. 왜 sports facilities가 있으면 국민 건강에 도움이 되는지 서술해주셔야합니다. 글쓴이는 요즘 시대는 일을 많이 해서 많이 움직을 기회가 없으며 이것이 비만이나 당뇨병을 일으킨다 라고 하시면서 sports facilities가 있으면 도움이 된다 라고 하시고 계십니다.)
On the other hand, others think differently is not same. Others argue that sports facilities have an obvious merits, however, it is not an effective measure. <(why not? 다음 나오는 내용은 sub topic이 되어야하고 주 주제로는 왜 sports facilities가 그렇게 효과적이지 않은지 서술해주셔야합니다) The most helpful way to improve nation's health can be that the governments need to encourage campaigns and making a laws. For example, many people suffered obesity from fast-food such as Burger King bugerking and KFC. So, the governments have to have a responsibility to be banned to fast-food for nations. (Need better transition) Also, most people does not know what foods contain. So, the governments need to give information to them through campaigns. The other solution can be that the governments have to making a laws to encourage exercising excercise to schools. For instance, schools have to give a more chances for physical activities through changing school hours.
Taking into account the above analysis, in my opinion, others <(what others? be specific) claim is more effective way to improve nation's health.
Score: 4 Comment: 전체적으로 내용의 focus가 off topic 합니다. 또한 문법상 silly mistakes가 너무 많습니다. 그렇기 때문에 register가 낮게 들립니다. 특히 대문자를 써야할 부분에서는 쓰시지 않고 쓰지 않아야될 부분에서 대문자를 쓰고 계십니다. 이부분은 proofreading을 하시면 catch할 수 있습니다. 그렇기 때문에 꼭 글을 다 쓰신 후 proofreading/editing하는 것을 추천합니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |