▶ Your Answer : These days, as many technologies are developed, there are many worries about it. Some people believe that technology is not beneficial any more. Thus, we should stop developing technology now because many a lot of various problems are appearing such as environmental, ethical and financial problems. However, scientists should continue developing the innovative and inventive technology. In this essay, I will explain why technology should be continuously developed. Some people say that although as technology has developed it has improved made our quality of life be improved and has brought convenience to us, there are many serious worries such as radiation leak, nuclear experiment and environmental, ethical and financial problems. In addition, they believe that it has brought enough benefits enough, therefore, technology development should be stopped in order for to environment conservation, finance and ultimately for our next generation. <(Introduction과 내용이 동일하며 크게 알려주는 내용은 없습니다. 예를 들어 이 분단에서는 어떤 문제점이 있다고 생각하시는지 말씀을 해주시면 좋습니다. 그 다음 문단에서는 그렇지만 왜 글쓴이는 development을 멈추면 안되는지 설명을 해주시면 됩니다. 또한 조금 더 구체적으로 글쓴이의 의견을 써주셔야합니다. 다른 사람의 의견은 글쓴이의 의견을 supporting하실때 쓰셔야합니다) However, technology must be continuously used and developed. We have invested our attention, efforts and money to develop useful technology and finally it changed the way we live better, improve our quality of life and brought many benefits to us. Obviously, there are some problems. However, we can’t<(formal essay에는 contraction을 쓰지 않으시는게 좋습니다. 풀어서 써주셔야합니다) lose a lot of usefulness just because of them. <(elaborate) Although some problems involved in technology are revealed, we should pay attention to technology and invest a lot of things to make a better future for our children like what that we have done. <(why? how is it so that only development of technology can make a better future? elaborate) Also, the government should make policies and support financially to have strength in our competitive world. <(why) <(not strongly persuasive) In conclusion, because we have invested in technology development in many ways and technology has brought us more benefits, we should continuously invent and develop many technologies well for us and our next generation.
Score: 4.5 Comment: 내용은 fair하지만 크게 persuasive하지 않으며 elaboration이 더 필요합니다. 또한 repetitive하게 들리는 내용이 있습니다. 쓰시는 표현 또한 한정적으로 보입니다. 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 그리고 informal 한 표현도 일부 있습니다. 조금 더 formal한 표현을 쓰시는것을 추천합니다. 그 외에는 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. |