▶ Your Answer :
People
have divergent views with regards to the question of whether spending time to
change some in their lives would be beneficial or not. While some argue that
change in life is important because it would be a way to animate their lives by
learning new things, from my personal perspective, keeping a same pattern would
be more beneficial due to saving money and time as well as professional career.
This essay will outline the potential causes of this phenomenon.
To
begin with, changes always take people's time and money. If someone would like to
change his career, it there would be required a great amount of money to be
trained to gain professional capability,. With his family, sometimes the changes
need more than his effort such as support of the rest of family members.<(reword. 문장구상이 조금 어색합니다) If
someone would like to set up his life in a new place as moving to another country,
it contains a dangerous challenge to achieve the dream. A research conducted by
International Statistical Institute has shown that substantial number of people
who left his country to have a new life abroad come back in five years after
losing a plenty of money and time. Given the above, keeping their life would be
more safe and stabled. <(문장별 coherence에 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
Furthermore,
people think in terms of their life with the career changed.<(이해가 잘 안되는 문장입니다) It<(what is it?) is related
deeply to people’s life because of the time they spend as almost a half of a
day. Otherwise, gaining professional capability in specific field takes time to
be skilled. Beginning something first is always hard and there is nobody who
suit perfectly in his job. Only the effort and experience make people being
professional, and these experiences in the field also makes them relax in their
last stage of life with enough money and satisfaction of honor. In this regard,
having a high quality of life would come with experiencing more time in
specific field than changing the career. <(전체적으로 이해가 잘 안되는 문단입니다. Topic sentence가 잘 이해가 안되기 때문에 그것을 support해주는 내용들의 결론이 무엇인지 잘 모르겠습니다. 또한 내용이 글쓴이의 의견인 change 보다는 change없이 사는게 더 좋은것과 어떻게 관련이 되는지 아니면 그것에 대해 무엇을 설명해주시고 계신지 잘 모르겠습니다)
In
conclusion, with aforementioned reasons, although change in life can lead to
positive experiences, my own view is that maintaining the same life style can bring more beneficial effects more beneficial.
Score: 5 Comment: 전체적으로 cohesion/coherence에 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그리고 specificity에도 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 세 번째의 문단의 경우는 글쓴이의 생각이 잘 반영이 되고 있지 않기 때문에 무엇을 전달하고자하는지 잘 모르겠습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다.
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